I'm back bitches!

No, that's a terrible thing to say..

terrible indeed...

What I meant was.

I'm back to reblogging!

Ever noticed how whenever I speak, I speak nonsense most of the time, but in the end you actually get the point and you finally understand why I had to say all those nonsense just for me to get to the point?

I believe that this was caused by Doctor Who.. oh the Doctor.. he's just so... IDK... he's never straight to the point.. and yet he always is...

Oh look at me, rambling so much...

Well, all I wanted to say was I won't be able to log in the next few days, but rest assured, I'm reviving this blog.

Hello, old friend...

... we meet again.

I've been neglecting you so much nowadays, the pain of writing to you gets deeper with every post I could never publish. Every draft that was saved in you is a scar that burns deep in my soul. How I wish I could write something cheerier; something people would want to read...

... and yet, I am burdened with the sad truth that I have nothing happy to write about just yet. I have been cooked up in the same safe situations that I have always been in. I'm too afraid to take risks; that's how I always am.. and as of now, that's how I'll always be...

You There?

I miss you.. sometimes

I still wish that you're with me right now...

I still wish we were together

Happy (supposed) Anniversary

Happy Mother's Day

But you didn't have to cut me off 

Make out like it never happened 

And that we were nothing 

And I don't even need your love 

But you treat me like a stranger 

And that feels so rough 

You didn't have to stoop so low 

Have your friends collect your records 

And then change your number 

I guess that I don't need that though 

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

From 1991-present

1991 - I was born

1995 - At the age of 3, I attended pre-school at Mother Goose

1996 - At the age of 4, I started school at Xavier School

1997 - During my Prep year, the bullying had started about me being fat.

1998 - I started Grade 1 had different classmates and met one of my closest friends, Marc

1999 - Grade 2, I had the same classmates save for a bully who was added to the list. This was the same bully from prep

2000 - My dad had left for the US

2000 - I had started to be bullied that I was gay. Especially when I was chosen to portray the role of a girl in our play

2000 - My cousin started bullying me because I like to play with Barbie dolls.

2001 - The bullying had died down a bit. I got to meet one of my former closest friend, Tennyson

2002 - The bullying had started again. This time it was getting much worse, people from other class whom I didn't know had joined in

2003 - I shrug off every word that everyone says about me thinking that isn't true

2004 - I had come to the realization that I am what I am, and that people don't have a right to judge me for that. How I wish I still had this fighting spirit

2005 - I entered Xavier High School. There were still bullies, but my saving grace was the subject Filipino. It was the love of my high school life. 

2006 - I took summer classes for the first time in my whole life. The invulnerability that I thought I had did not work well for me. 

2006 - I joined Para Kay Kiko. A summer program that teaches public school students basic high school knowledge. This was where I shone the brightest. This was, for me, the best place I could be. I was a teacher, a mentor, a kuya..

2006 - I was classmates with one of my worst bullies who carries 3/4 of my name; Sean Patrick Tan So.

2006 - I had a fight with Tennyson, I did not know what it was about but after 2 years, I finally find realize  why

2006 - I stormed out of our classroom when I had seen the letters B and O in a thick font on the chalkboard. I threw my 5 inch thick biology book at the person who had written it and stormed out.

2007 - I received the bad news that I was going to be retained.

2007 - I went inside my classroom which was full of people unknown to me save for one. I acted tough thinking that I should try to intimidate these people. It didn't work..

2008 - The bullying about me being gay had started all over again. This time it was MUCH WORSE. On top of that, my classmates would often tease me that I smell bad

2008 - My Social Science teacher bullied me. He would often bring an air freshener with him and spray it in my direction. He even got a plastic of charcoal and orange peel which he placed under my chair

2008 - My multiply account was flooded with comment on how gay I was and how I should just drop out of school and kill myself

2008 - I told my teacher what had happened and her solution was to place me in the middle of the room and surround me with the same people who treated me like dirt

2008 - I hid in the bathroom for three consecutive periods, crying... 

2009 - I suffered for months with the same group of bullies in my class

2009 - We had a retreat wherein my bullies apologized to me

2009 - I honestly thought that there was hope for me against these bullies...

2010 - There wasn't..

and now, I'm in college. I'm in a place where social distinctions do not exist.. or rather, are not expressed outwardly. 

My disposition when meeting someone is new is somewhat judging. I am very, as they say, masungit when you see me for the first time. That is because I have learned to not make friends. If you want to make friends with me, that'll be fine but you can never expect me to be the first to make the move. 

But even then, I judge the people who I would think are bullies. I am very cautious of people like this because I have a feeling that once I get to know them better... I get to know them bettter as people who would bully me. 

That is what I learned from high school... to learn that no one has pure intentions towards you.. that at some point, people will disappoint you. What matters is that when they disappoint you, you have no attachment towards them anymore... that you will feel nothing about it..

Mr. Brightside

Now I'm falling asleep

and she's calling a cab

while he's having a smoke

and she's taking a drag

and now they're going to bed

and my stomach is sick

and it's all in my head

but she's touching his chest now

he takes off her dress now

let me go

cause I just can't look 

it's killing me 

and taking control

jealousy

turning saints into the sea

turning to sick lullabies

chokin' on your alibis

but it's just the price I pay

destiny is calling me

open up my eager eyes

I'm not totally over him, not a single bit..

It's Not For Me

I've recently learned to shut myself from the world that is full of romantic love.

Until now, I've been deluding myself with promises that "it gets better"

Let me tell you the truth. For me, it doesn't...

This is all the world can offer to me. I can fall in love.. but no way in hell is anyone falling in love with me.

and so, I stop.

05/05/12

When I was a kid, I never thought the day would come that I would hate my mom and even on a day so close to mother's day and her birthday.

I'm not asking for much. I just want her to come home, hang out with me, take me somewhere where it's just the two of us.

But she keeps pushing me away. She would rather spend time with "other people" than me. I get to be at home only 2 days a week... and during those two days, she's only at home for less than 24 hours... and those 24 hours.. she's only awake for around 4 hours.. and during those 4 hours, she only has time to scold me, and hide me from the rest of the world...

That's the first thing she says when she gets home "parating na siya.." which actually means that I should go to my room and lock myself up for the rest of the night. Usually around this time..

As much as I love being able to spend a bit more than we usually did, I would rather have my old mom back. The one who would always be there when I needed her. The one who I can talk to about everything. The one who I could depend on everyime there's a problem with school.

So much for mother's day...

Shout!

I have a voice that makes people listen.
I have a voice that makes people shut up
I have a voice that I don't use so often
A voice that's taken for granted


One thing I've always noticed about my speeches in class is that everyone really stops to listen to what I have to say even if it doesn't mean anything at all. This is probably one of the effects of being a teacher for 5 summers, you learn how to FORCE people to listen to you (Add to that how huge my voice is.. when I shout, you can hear it form the other room..).

But there's a catch. I need to be confident enough to be able to convince them. It doesn't matter if I tell a lie or a truth. Confidence is the key. Which is why, lately, I haven't been doing so well.

A lot of the subject I've been taking recently have forced me to shut up. I don't know a lot about the topics nor do I know what to say about it. and when I do, I always get shaky and nervous hoping that no one will judge me for what I say.

Hopefully, that changes soon

Daloy ng Kamalayan

Sapagkat wala akong magawa sa buhay, ito ang aking aatupagin ngayong gabi. Kung ano man ang masulat ko dito ay hindi mabubura maliban na lamang sa pagkakamaling typograpikal.

Andami-dami kong naiisip ngayon na tila hindi ko maintindihan. Una na dito ay ang atraksyon ko sa isang taong malapit sa aking puso. Oo, malapit siya sa aking puso ngunit hindi ko siya iniibig, ata? Kamakailan lamang ay kinausap niya ako tungkol sa plano niya sa kanyang buhay at mga gagawin kapag siya ay nakapagtapos na sa kanyang kurso at ang kanyang sinabi ay gusto niya pa rin akong makasama hanggang sa kaniyang pagtatrabaho; isang bagay na ikinatuwa ko sa di malaman-laman na dahilan.

Isa pang bumabagabag sa aking isipan ay ang enrollment na gaganapin sa lunes. Kasama ako sa mga iregular kung kaya't mas dramatic ang pag-eenroll ko. Kinakailangan kong makuha ang mga asignaturang kailangan ko at hindi ito ganoon kadali.. Kung sa bagay, matagal-tagal pa naman akong mananatili sa La Salle, hindi ko na kailangang masyadong magmadali..

Natuwa ako kahapon. Pumunta siya sa pamantasan kahit na saglit lamang at wala siyang ibang ginawa. Kahit papaano'y nakatutuwang isiping mayroon akong maaaring makausap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na may relasyon sa organisasyon nang walang takot at pangamba.. ngunit kailangan ko ring harapin ang realidad na hindi na niya ako matutulungan kapag natapos na ang terminong ito..

Pupunta ako ng Puerto Galera sa miyerkules. Excited na ako dahil hindi pa ako nakakapunta sa ibang lupalop ng ating bansa.. ang pinakamalayong naabot ko ay Ilocos. Pero ngayon, Puerto Galera, here I come!

Ano nga ba ako sa buhay na ito? Sino ako at ano ang magagawa ko? anong legacy ang maiiwan ko kapag umalis ako ng La Salle? ng mundong ito? Ito ang ilan sa mga tanong na bumabagabag sa aking isipan araw-araw.

Ito na lang muna para sa aking Daloy ng Kamalayan dahil ang aking Kamalayan ay unti-unti nang lumilipat sa 9gag. Paalam! :p

Fun Fact:

I did not march during our high school graduation. It was not my choice and up to this date, I still think it was an unfair decision.

I looked through my stuff and saw a sheet of paper torn in half. This was a letter from the school director of Xavier, Fr. Johnny Go. The letter brought back some of the memories and bitterness from that day. Here's what happened:

I, along with 10-15 other people failed during our 4th year in high school, to make up for it, we had to take summer class AND we were not allowed march up the stage for the graduation ceremony. I begged my Christian Life Education teacher to help me in some way. I only needed 2 points to pass, but this Singaporean brother was very strict about it. So, my next option was to go higher up.. Ms. Elsa Santos, the CLE department chair.

I don't really remember our conversation, but long story short... I had to go even HIGHER.. Ms. Jane Cacacho, our Principal.

I wasn't afraid of Mrs. Cacacho, she was a friendly principal. Whenever I speak to her, it feels like I'm speaking to an older sister. I sent her a letter stating that I would do ANYTHING just to march up the stage during graduation.

"I would take a test, if I have to just to prove I know the lesson, but was just a bit tardy during class" 

"I'd also be fine if I were to still continue summer classes even after the ceremonies"

Again, I was rejected

By this time, I had already started taking the summer classes, but all hope was not yet lost. "I can still march.." I thought to myself. How stupid I was to think that.

During one of my summer classes, I sat in one of the summer classes for those who failed Chinese and it was then that I found out that they were going to march. They were allowed to take an exam which proved they knew the lesson well enough and that they should be given the right to march

MOTHERFUCKERS..

The week before graduation, everyone else was allowed to march save for me and Lendle. It hurt me so much that these other people were given a chance to graduate while I wasn't. But agian, I still have not lost hope. There was one more chance, I could go even higher up.. Fr. Johnny Go.

I wrote a letter similar to what I had written to Mrs. Cacacho and dropped it off at his office. A few hours later, my phone rang and the secretary told me to meet Fr. Go the next day.

I was afraid. I knew Fr. Go was a really nice person, he was kind and gentle, but the mere fact that he's the school director means he can be pretty intimidating. He wasn't. 

I went in his office which was half as big as our classrooms. On one side were shelves upon shelves of Encyclopedias and books. In the middle was a coffee table surrounded by 4 long couches. On the other side was his desk which was even bigger than any table in Xavier I could find...

I sat down in one of the couches and here is how the conversation went

Fr. Go:  What's in the bag?

Me:        Oh, just some extra clothes (in truth, they were my school uniform. I was hoping that if I was 

              allowed, I could change into it and join the practice)

Fr. Go:   I see, so Sean.. Tell me what happened?

Me:        Well, it's really my fault that I failed, I understand that, but I know I failed not because I didn't 

              know the lesson. I failed because I was lazy.

Fr. Go:   Lazy in what way? Submitting requirements? studying?

Me:        Submitting requirements. That's the only reason I failed because my quizzes are fine, they're not that 

              high, but I did not fail any of them...

Fr. Go:   So tell me, how can you prove that you are worthy of being called a Xaverian?

That question struck me.. I had no clue what to say.. I had one last card I can show.. and that's what I did..

Me:       Although I wasn't allowed to take extra-curricular activites, I am very active in the summer activities 

             led by the school. I am a proud member of Para Kay Kiko 5 years running....

Fr. Go:  I don't mean that.. I mean, when you graduate, who will you become? Cause I can let you off the    

             hook in just a snap, but if I do, how will you take it? 

Me:       Umm.. like I said, I'm very active in socio-civic activities.

Fr. Go  : Yes, I understand that, but look at it this way.. If I do not allow you to march, it might be a lesson 

              to you to better yourself. Letting you march might be a wrong decision as it will only make you 

              think that you can get your way whenever you want.

Me:       Ohh.

Fr. Go:  You're a very articulate person, Sean. I like that of you. Seeing you and hearing you speak, I don't 

             understand why you failed in any subject at all. 

That's how the conversation went.. more or less...

That afternoon, I was in grad practice (I was there to, again, watch.. just in case I would be allowed to join in..) when my phone rang. It was the secretary telling me to go back to the office in an hour. That's what I did. She handed me a letter from Fr. Go. This was the moment of truth, but I don't think I could handle reading it alone.

I went back to the grad practice which had moved to the MPH. I was with my adviser and I showed her the letter. My friends Marquis and Jan were looking at me, they knew what was happening. 

I opened the letter and my dreams came shattering down. I was not allowed to march. It was the final decision and there's no other person I could talk to.. 

2 days later, I showed up in the graduation ceremony in a barong. I sat at the back along with Mr. Cabanos, the CMSO personnel and we had a chat. It was awkward being there as there were people who knew me and knew that I should be graduating... I felt like I just got kicked out of my school. As if I was chewed out by the one whom I swore to come back to one day and proudly say, "I graduated here.."

I hate it now.. 

and when I do get successful, I am not gonna say that I was a Xaverian because, after all, I passed Xavier, but I did not graduate from it..

I've created a new blog...
follow? :))

zagafryon-in-love.blogspot.com

Moving On..

I'm not yet totally over my crush, but I have a new crush.

This crush developed just a few weeks ago. At first I didn't really think it was something, but then I keep noticing how I notice EVERYTHING about him.. I knew I like him a bit. I didn't think I wanted to like him as more than a friend.

----
I was checking out his pictures just a few moments ago and I can't help but feel panghihinayang that he cut his hair. His long hair looked way better on him. Although his hair now isn't all that bad either. :)

I've long debated with myself whether or not to tell him about my crush on him. I'm pretty sure it's obvious now save for me telling him directly, he has all the clues in the world.

But I chose not to. There were a couple of reasons.

but here's the thing.

If you, my dear reader, are a friend of his and has seen this blog. You may show it to him. No holds barred. his name is in this blog, just a few posts down. I won't mind nor will I take it against you... besides.  I wouldn't know either

Car Trip Blues

"What started out as friendship has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let you know"


"You pulled me in and I'm a little more weak. It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something.. it's fearless"


"So I won't hesitate no more.. no more."


"When you call my name. It's like a little prayer. I'm down on my knees. I wanna take you there"


"Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you but you never come.."


"Hanggang sa muling pagtatagpo. Hanggang sa huling pag-ikot ng mundo. Ang tanging hanap ko ay ang pag-ibig mo"


"What do you say to taking chances. What do you say to jumping off the edge. Never knowing if there's solid ground below or hand to hold or hell to pay, what do you say?"


"Cause everything you do and words you say. You know that it all taked my breath away and now I'm left with nothing"


"Untouchable like a distant diamond sky."

Please don't do that to me.. 

I was scared..

I thought for a moment something might have happened..

I wouldn't want to see you the way people do in movies..

I love you, so don't scare me like that

it was as if you were saying goodbye

I consider you as one of my closest friends

and I'm not ready to lose you

Bea: Tell me why you think you love him
Me: I know one of my main reasons... but it's a little too explicit for you
Bea: Then tell me in a way that it's not too much to handle
Me: Fine, actually it's not too explicit anyways.. I can't imagine us having sex.. With everyone else, it's easy.. but with him, I can't do it... and I don't know why

A Quick Update on my ILOCOS tour

The Ilocos trip did not go as I expected it to. Secrets were revealed.. Things were done... and Hopes that had been crushed were renewed...

Revelations:
We had a truth or dare after our drinking session. one of the questions asked to me was "Fuck, Marry, Kill." The Kill was a unanimous.. My F and M though were two of my biggest crushes... who were inside the room (one of  the conditions for FMK was that the person had to be in the room) so I said that I would Fuck Renz Casanova and Marry Carlo Rivera

Actions that can't be undone
Obviously, at one point, we stopped doing truths as it was very easy. So we started doing dares... some of my dares included these: Lick someone's lips, give a lap dance, rub your genitals on a piece furniture.. stuff like those.. needless to say.. it was fun, but I could have gone without it...

HOPE!
This one is gonna be a bit long so I shall make a second post and I will post it in the next few days... :D

I HATE YOU WITH A BURNING PASSION

AND I REGRET LOWERING MYSELF FAR BELOW YOU JUST TO SAY SORRY FOR THE SAKE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP. YOU ARE WORTHLESS TO ME NOW MORE THAN EVER.

YOU ARE NOT THE KING OF ANYTHING, YOU DO NOT OWN THE WORLD AND YOU DO NOT OWN ME.

IF IT'S A WAR YOU WANT, THEN IT'S A WAR YOU'LL LOSE.

I'm having a bit of trouble with people right now..

It's not their fault. It's mostly mine

Wrong choices and such..

and maybe overstepping my boundaries a bit

I still believe in what I said

a bit guilty..

but I know I was right

with the other people though

I know I was wrong...

GDI!

I'm somewhat in distress ever since Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon, around 5pm. We were told that the announcement of the next officers of DANUM will be held on Saturday, Feb. 25. Since there were no classes, it did not push through.

All week long, I was thinking.. "I won't get it.. I won't get it.." and I had a few reasons why I didn't think I'd get it

• 90% of the people did not vote for me when they were asked who they wanted to be president
• I failed in showing that I was good enough to be president
• Others were probably better than me during interviews and such
• My project proposal for the GA was a stupid idea (the theme pissed me off.. so I didn't really give too much effort)

Well that's all I can think of right now..

anyways..

So, these past few days, I've been thinking about "what-if's"

and how my speech would go (if given a chance)

WHAT IF I WAS MADE PRESIDENT

I would have had a speech prepared

"Salamat, mga opisyal ng DANUM sa pagkakataong ibinigay ninyo sa akin. Alam kong marami sa inyong ang tumututol na ako'y maging Pangulo ng organisasyong ito, ngunit ito'y narito na. Kalimutan na lamang natin ang ating nakaraan at tayo'y sumulong sa pagpapaunlad ng ating organisasyon, ating kurso, ating departamento at ating unibersidad"

or

"Salamat, mga opisyal ng DANUM sa pagkakataong ibinigay ninyo sa akin. Ngunit, ako'y nababahala na hindi ko matupad ang tungkulin ko bilang Pangulo ng organisasyon kung kaya't hindi ko ito tatanggapin. Ayon sa aking kaibigan sa ibang organisasyon, ang kanilang prof org ang dahilan kung bakit marami sa kanila ang nag-aaway-away. Ayokong madagdagan ang kung ano mang alitan ko sa aking mga kamag-aral. Kung kaya't maraming salamat, ngunit ako'y tumatanggi sa posisyong ito."

WHAT IF I WAS NOT MADE PRESIDENT

I'd most probably just quit.. no speeches and such. tell them that I don't want it..

I should explain the situation a bit more.. but I'm too tamad right now.. LOLOLOLOL

YOU DON'T FUCKIN' UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL

Everytime I'm in that fucking classroom
everytime na kasama ko kayo
parang feeling ko lahat kayo may galit sakin

WHY?

I don't understand.
After all I've done
I've always had your back when you were in trouble
I had your back when you needed
and I never ask for anything in return..
Pero sana man lang tinatrato niyo ako na parang kaibigan, hindi kaaway..

mano ba naman yung sabihin sakin na dalawa ang irereport natin
simpleng text lang.. "Sean, irereport rin natin yung isang readings"
BAKIT HINDI NIYO YUN MAGAWA?
BAKIT KAILANGAN DURING THE DAY OF THE SUPPOSED REPORTING NIYO SASABIHIN

YOU WERE IN THE TAMBAYAN FOR ONE FUCKIN' HOUR
YOU EVEN OPENED THE PPT IN FRONT OF MY FACE
AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL ME NA REPORTING NATIN YUN?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??

I always thought that I would be welcome with you guys.. that no matter what happens, you'd be my friends
I guess I was wrong..
you'll all leave me hanging

WELL FUCK YOU ALL

I'll only ever be second best

水

I'm learning a lot online...

but what I really need is a teacher

someone who can confirm if what I'm doing is right..

although I know that with these things, it's mostly intuition..

水

I've only recently learned that I'm a water type. It makes a lot of sense, but I still think that I'm partially wind. I don't know. It just feels that way.

I've also recently learned that water types may or may not be empaths.

What is an empath? Well to put it simply, it's a person who has the ability to sense emotion from any object, living or otherwise. It works through a sort of wavelength the soul projects which can then be felt by an empath.

I have a feeling that I am an empath. Not a practiced one, but when someone has strong feelings about something, I think I can sense them.

Just a few days ago, I was with a group of friends and I was really bothered by something. I was fine before I met up with them, but something gave off this negative vibe that just made me uncomfortable. I wanted to excuse myself, but I decided to stay anyways. Then the next day, it happened again. This time I'm less sure of what the cause was, but it could either have been because of someone's emotion or the ring I tried on that day.

BBC Sherlock Season 2

PUTANGINA LANG..

I can't handle these emotions..

holy crap on a stick...

I don't know anymore...

RAARRGGHHH

Glad to know you don't miss me.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you then it's meant to be

Personally, I don't believe in this quote..

If you love something enough, why would you let it go? If it were me I'd fight for it no matter what. It is only when the other person has given up that I lose hope.

I have almost always stuck up to my friends no matter what. Even when they've considered me their enemy, I still worry and care for them. It's partially because I have not lost hope that maybe someday, things that have happened will blow over.

Which is why I'm happy that some of my enemies have become my friends again. Sure, we might not be as close as we used to be, but at least I can sleep soundly that I have made one less enemy just because I didn't give up.

"Forgive and forget" ika nga..

The thing about that quote though is that I agree with it.. and yet I disagree with it..

Forgiveness is essential to friendship turned enemies.. but forgetting is a tough cookie. Forget what the person did to you, forget the pain it felt when he/she did the act, but do not forget what has been done nor should you forget the pain you felt.

Confusing?

Think of it this way, the only way you can forgive someone fully is when you forget that the person did something to hurt you.

As I was once told by my teacher "The sin is in the act, not the person itself"

Maturity

Maturity is something that cannot be measured. So knowing that a person is mature can be very subjective and therein lies the problem.

I used to think that I was really mature just because I could curse. I thought I was mature because I knew what dildos, handjobs, rimming and terms similar to that meant. In some way, that is a step towards maturity, but that isn't all it is.

Maturity, for me, is knowing how to handle things without needing the help of others. Maturity is being able to see things clearly for what it is and not just what it shows to be. Maturity is when we grow up and realize that we're not kids anymore and we have to stop acting like one.

I'm not saying we should let go of things. Maturity is not letting go of being young. It is not letting go of being the kid you really are. What it is is a drive that pushes you to be better than who you are right now. Why do we laugh at our younger selves? It's because we thought so highly of ourselves then, but looking back, we were nothing.

I cannot say that I am mature enough for my age. There are things I do not understand about life. There are lots of things I still need to learn.

What I'm trying to say is that, sometimes, no matter how mature we think we are, we could be wrong.

I need an epiphany

I am afraid

I don't know what I should choose

If I talk to anyone, they'd be biased about it

Choosing the first one seems selfish

but the second one isn't what I want

People deserve this more than I do

I only believe I can do it

but I don't even know if I can

A quick tour of my room

This is the room in my condo...

First off, here is my closet. On top are my bedsheets and such. On the left are polos, jackets and a suit folded underneath are towels on the right, from top to bottom are my shirts, pants and random stuff I don't know where to place. There are two more layers below.. those

this is my bookshelf area. These are only 1/4 of the books and comics I have. 

Top shelf are HP books, Philippine Constitution, W.I.T.C.H and K-zone, Pupung and Pugad Baboy

2nd row: Noli and El Fili, Ghostgirl series, a picture of me from hongkong, Hoofy (the xavier school mascot) a tiger notebook. alcogel and aftershave

bottome row: Twilight series (lolololol) Photo albums, dictionaries printer, water bottle and a hat i bought in china

Sorry for the mess but yeah this is my room... I just took out my sheets... and I was in a hurry to look for clothes for when I leave.

and lastly, the closed closet and the big ass mirror that was behind me

So okay.. I was testing out the zoom of my camera and here it is.. this is the farthest it can zoom

From where did I take a picture?

That's the clubhouse just right in front of our balcony.. i'm in my room

I was actually trying to take a picture of the guy behind him, but he suddenly moved.. 

 you can't see it in this pic but there's also a swimming pool just beside it.

and the last time I swam there, there were these pedophile-able kids =)))

so yeah...

No Uniforms for this week...

So apparently, over the week, my mom cleaned my room and kept all my uniforms in the upstairs bodega...  If I go and get it now, that would mean I need to clean my whole room all over again since that was my agreement with my mom...


So instead, I'm going for something a  little more subtle... :)


and a bit uncomfortable...

but we'll see if people notice...

at least the people who know me...

So this week...

I probably made myself stand out a bit more than usual...

Tuesday: All Blue - Blue shirt, blue shorts, blue filecase, blue envelope like object
Wednesday: Green Shirt and Green Shorts  + mountain dew.. which is also green
Friday - Suitcase in school. Strolled it from Agno to Tambayan then to LRT

I must say it feels good to feel like people are looking at you thinking "That guy is weird" and not giving a single fuck..

so for this week, I'm going back to grade school and high school! yay!

Monday: high school PE uniform
Tuesday: grade school uniform (I hope I get to buy khakis by then)
Wednesday: break from all that since not a lot of people are there on wednesdays
Thursday:: high school uniform
Friday: High school polo with PE shorts

The Last Scene in the most recent Doctor Who

This was one of the most powerful scenes in Doctor Who.... so much emotions... tears... :(((

as the Doctor enters, he notices something in his eye, something unfamiliar to him. Something he has not felt in more or less a hundred years.. the Doctor, for once, cried.. sure he had cried a dozen of times.. when Rose died, when he regenerated, when he lost everyone of his companions.. but this was different. he cried because he was, after all these years, HAPPY

Doctor Who Christmas Special: A short not-so-much-of-a review

So I was trying out how I can play AVI files on my PS3.. and the show that I played was Doctor Who 2011 Christmas Special.. Since I was only trying it out, I didn't want to watch the whole episode so I skipped to the last 10-15 minutes...

and it made me fuckin' cry...

to those who have not yet seen this episode, please do not read further as there will be MAJOR SPOILERS in this blog...

It's difficult to be always paranoid about stuff..
Like I said in one of my previous posts
Everyone tends to hate me after a while...
and even if I know I didn't do anything wrong
in fact, I didn't do anything at all..
I always think I'm to blame about stuff..
It'll take a while before it sinks in that I shouldn't be paranoid
but even then.. I still can't help but be paranoid.. even just a bit..

January 22, 2012

I had another dream...

All I can remember about it is me having a not so surprise birthday party

Having a new house with WG people living in it

Kim pestering me to eat turon

My crush buying turon for me

I was a superhero along with 3 other people
we had this gun that was used to transform
problem was..
the villain was really really strong
so we upgraded the guns, but it didn't work
it's like the pokemon thing where even if your pokemon is lvl. 100,
as long as you don't have the right badges, you can't use them properly..
So that happened..
and everyone tried shooting him but to no avail
so I restarted my gun and started shooting him until he died..

Fortune Cookie tells good fortune

Project yourself with confidence and people will naturally flock to you
Nobody likes a loser

Because Potato

I feel like I need to let out some frustrations.. so I will blog...

I don't know how t start this off since I'm really really bad at writing..

I haven't even thought of what to say and I'm starting to cry..

it's just that.. I am jealous

I am jealous of almost every person I meet

For years, it felt like no one loved me.. That I was all alone in this world..
it was the case ever since I was in 3rd grade..

My dad had left for the US,
my mom started studying
and my classmates started bullying me that I was gay
I was a kid who cried at the slightest things,
sure it made me cry that I was bullied,
but at the end of the day,
it felt like nothing happened...
like it was just a dream
and that i can go back to being happy again...

but as time passed me by
I realized how lonely and alone I always am.
I never had a yaya after my dad left..
so every night, I'd be alone in my room..
I'd fall asleep before my mom gets home..
go to school the next morning
play with friends
and in the afternoon, while waiting for the schoolbus, I'd be alone..
I had to wait 2 hours everyday just because we grade schoolers were dismissed earlier than the high schoolers..
I was never one for making friends with people unless thay made friends with me..
I was too shy..
so I was alone..
but again, I didn't mind any of it..
that's how life is..
you have to make sacrifices...
frankly, I can call myself the boy who waited (Doctor Who reference)

but then, high school came and the black sheep was tossed out of the sheep pen..
Barrages of insults, jokes and teases from schoolmates and teachers..
yes, you read correctly, teachers..
it was hard to bear

I had BO when i was in high school..
i'm not sure if I do now..
but people don't seem to tell me that anymore..
add to that the fact that I had to repeat a year
on top of all those, I was gay..
and I was and still am fat...

I had the worst combination of anything bad you can possibly think of..
I never made friends more than what I already had cause I was afraid that they would hate me
eventually, people will start hating me

in 3rd year, I was front and center in the classroom...
and the ones behind me and beside me were the ones who bullied me..
this was the seating arrangement my teacher picked out for us..
On the first day, I didn't want to sit there
so I hid in the bathroom
and cried
for three straight periods

the worst part about the class was that I had a teacher who would spray air freshener everytime he walked in and everyone would cheer.
he would then spend the first 10-20 minutes of class discussing how bad the smell was and how the class can try to get rid of it

during our Days with the Lord..
the retreat that was supposed to "change our live forever"
did nothing to me..
I did not feel any closer to god..
nor did my other classmates..

When high school ended..I was not able to march.. I was not allowed to march during graduation
something that upto now, I do not understand why
There were 20+ of us who had to take summer classes and out of those 20+ people
only 2 weren't able to march.

I made a letter...
a formal request to my teacher saying I wanted to march i don't care if I have to take summer classes.. I just wanted to march..
he rejected it right in front of my face
I went to the principal..
i told her I can prove that t'm worth of graduating and that I should march
she rejected it
Last resort was with the school director
I came in for the interview.. I brought my uniform just in case I will be allowed to march.. if I would, then I can immediately join the grad practive
He loved me.. my talk went great..
I had a glimmer of hope
but the next day,
it was denied..

I don't get it.. clearly everyone else except the two of us proved they were worthy of being able to march
why couldn't we do the same thing?
You can't say that "I was give too many chances"
because I'm not the only retainee who took summer classes
that guy was a fuckin' idiot..
a lunatic who threw a bottle out the window for his speech and almost hitting a car.. because he was portraying a drunk Romeo
he's the guy jumped out the ledge because he portrayed a suicidal Romeo...
Yes, he did his speech twice cause he didn't like how his first speech went...

GODDAMMIT...

lost my mood to write because my mom pissed me off just now..

I NEED CRITIQUES...

I know I suck at making poems..
but like what Lorri told me the other day...
practice makes perfect..
so after XXXX number of years...
I have made 2 poems
I need your criticisms on it

please and thank you :)

So before I show it, I'll explain a bit...
This was brought about by boredom in class
see, we had this article about an immigrant who is struggling with her 2 main langages
Filipino and English..
her audience are Australians which means she needed to speak in English, but in this process she loses her sense of being FIlipino..
she likens it to a wishbone.. even if you have two parts, once you break it down, one will be bigger than the other...
so the question is.. which side of her will be bigger than the other.. The English or the Filipino.. so yeah...
it's mostly in Filipino and a lot of the lines are herp derp
it sounded good to me when I was writing it..


Nagkukubli

O ikaw na bagong lalang
henerasyon ng bagong lyriko't musika
bakit ako'y iyong tinalikuran
aking bibig ay tinakpan
ikinahihiya mo ba ako
isang kantang wala nang saysay
sa iyong isip ako'y namamatay
tulad ng Latin na wala nang buhay


Mas madadalian ka ba kung ako'y makisama
salita ko'y iparang sa iba
mga letrang hindi ko maunawa
mga pantig at tunog banyaga


Nkatago sa banyagang intendidad
ang mga dating Pilipino na ngayo'y Filipino
O, aking anak, asan na ang iyong bayang mahal
halika't balikan nang hindi makalimutan


Ngunit kahit saan ang ating puntahan
kahit sariling tahanan ako'y kinalimutan
ang aking aray, hindi naririnig
humiyaw man ako sa sakit
daing ko'y natitiis


Oh, how I remember my youth
A time of bloodsheds and dispute
I can see how time passes me by
how people forget me
and how I try to conform


My lyrics are no longer heard
My song has become silent
My melody is dead to you


Long gone is the day I will be remembered
but I shall wait
as long as a spark is lighted
what was once divided
can be reunited

Daglat

Pagdadaglat isang uri ng pagpapaikli

ang mga letra sa salita ay kukulangin

at papalitan ng kudlit

ang dating 'noon ay' na napakaiksi

ay nagiging 'noo'y' na walang letrang A

tila tayo ay kinukulang ng letra at pantig

nagtitipid, nagtitiis nagtatawag pansin

Isa kaya 'tong hiyaw ng ating puso

'pang sabihing tayo'y hindi kumpleto

''nti-'nting nawawalan ng pgkatao

paikli ng paikli ang mga slita

prang knuklang ng hninga

i2 ba'ng 2ny na Plpino

ika nga'y Juan Tamad

HELLO PEOPLE!

I'm back to blogging! at least for three days..
then I go back to my condo where internet is not readily available

Actually it is, but I refuse to pay 30pesos an hour!

I am a poor boy

2 days ago, I paid for leap stuff and I was left with 20pesos...

so i borrowed from Eri.. which I haven't paid...

I'm sorry, eri

I borrowed another 100 from Blanche

which means I owe her 50 since she owed me 50 =)))

GAAAH! Must learn to save

on a lighter note.. our first GA as project heads was a success! YAY!

Evaluation was really high

IDK if it's because the evaluator was new or what

STILL COUNTS!

Concerts and Such

If you don't consider the Variety Show of the Xavier School Fair a concert, then Simple Plan was the first concert of my WHOLE LIFE

I'm not one to be in a party mood unless I'm drunk.. and clearly, I cannot be drunk in this concert... Well I can, but I prefer not to be... So all I did was sit, sing along with the songs that I know, tap my legs to the beat and clap. Do not expect me to jump around or scream cause I can never bring myself to do it.

I had a blast at the concert. That I'm 140% sure of. I remember Simple Plan WAY WAY WAY back... but I never really appreciated any of their songs except Perfect. I knew their songs, but didn't really like it that much. This concert gave me a chance to start liking Simple Plan again.. Seriously, it may be the first concert I've been to... and if I'm stubborn it might be the last, but I gotta say, I love Simple Plan <3

Broadway!

I'm currently listening to broadway music... RENT, Wicked, Beauty and The Beast, Moulin Rouge, Hairspray, Les Miserables, Dreamgirls

I would really love to get a chance to watch something, ANYTHING live on broadway.... I would most especially love it if it was RENT or Les Miserables...

The only play I've seen live is Into The Woods in Music Museum.. 2009, i think?

I wanna watch more. I would spend all I have just to watch. The problem is I don't know anyone who would want to go with me. I don't want to be a loner.. hahaha

but you know what would be more awesome? If I could get to star in one of these productions! OMG1 even if it was just one of the extras LOLOLOL... it's not that  achievable for me right now, but it can't hurt to dream 

XD

INTERNET!

I now have internet but it's really slow due to the fact that the signal is low...

I'm so happy this week because of so many things... It's quite overwhelming..

and to think, 2 years ago, just to pass time, I would sleep in the school bathroom..

I can't be too detailed about this week but here's a gist of things that made me happy

1. Today, Angie was able to enroll! yay! All she needs to do now is to pay and she can officially start class.
2. I now have a condo that's just across Lasalle.. It was weird actually. We were eating in EGI a while ago and as soon as I went out *BOOM* it was right in front of me... LOLOLOLOL
3. Mashitta with Jonnah, Blanche, KimChard, Lorri, Carlos and Raph at night. It's not the first time I've eaten with them at night, but it felt good that I didn't need to worry about being home late.
4. Blanche thinking I fit in to the category of Llama Lords.. I've seen the list of things you need to be qualified as a Llama Lord and a lot of it didn't really fit me... but apparently Blanche and Lorri think I fit the bill
5. My FILGENS class might be dissolved. It's not that I hate the class. It's actually quite fun.. but having to run from Miguel to Andrew in 10 minutes isn't advisable.. plus, there are only 16 of us.Plus, it means I might be able to enroll in another subject. *crosses finger*
6. I'm able to save up a lot of money recently. That turned out to be a fail today since I spent up all that I saved on Noriter and Army Navy, but at least I know I have the capacity to save 70% of my daily allowance.. That's a good thing since I need to save money for my debut this year.. LOLOLOL
7. I don't want to reveal this one, but I felt so loved when this group of people told me that they would be glad to take me with them <3 Too bad I can't go.... at least not yet.. LOLOLOL I'm pretty sure someone will get this hahaha

That's all for now, I guess...

Hoping for more happiness tomorrow and on Friday <3

There is a big ass mirror behind me..

To those who know me well, I am not a fan of mirrors

I do not like them one bit

anything reflective, actually

I'm scared something might pop out...

Which is why, for 20 years, There has been no mirror in my room..

and for 5 years, I cover the TV with a jacket every time I finish watching..

I was initially planning to cover it with Manila Paper...

but I apparently have none...

So I'm stuck here being a bit paranoid about that mirror...

DAMN IT, IT'S AS TALL AS ME..

ANYTHING CAN POP OUT FROM THERE

Odd Coincidence

... I've been watching movies that star Justin Timberlake...

Friends with Benefit

Bad Teacher

and, in a while, In Time

This blog is becoming shitty..

So instead of me just posting random stuff.. I'll do what Angie does... categorically blog about things.. trololol.. basta.. you get my point...

Anyways... here's a list of the things that I might do

Movie Reviews
Stalker Mode (LOLOLOL.. it's something I've wanted to blog about since forever)
Photo Essays
Short Stories (I won't do that much, but it's worth a try)
Weekly Music List

Yeah... I still don't know what I'm doing but these are basically it... feel free to suggest something you might want me to blog about.

Oh and I'm starting with the movie reviews right now :D

January 4, 2011

Lately I've been dreaming of Writers' Guild people one by one... IDK why...

So here goes...

I was with my Trish's little brother, Rap and we were at my friend's school fair. Usually, in school fairs, each class has this booth which they man to earn a bit of money. In this case, Trish's booth was a pachinco booth. I told her brother that we should go there and play the game.

Rap: Why?
Me: Sa sister mo kaya yan
Rap: Weh?
Me: Oo nga.. sige na, pumunta ka na dun.

Then I was in her house which was odd because her house had two structures. One was the main house and the other was another house which was exclusive to my friend and I had never seen before.

After the fair, we apparently bought groceries and went to her house. As usual, her dogs scared the living shit out of me as it keeps barking and trying to bite my leg. The weird thing about the dog is that they looked like Palkia and Dialga (Yes, the legendary pokemon that governs space and time)

We chatted a little and a few moments later, I asked her if she'd be fine alone in this house and she said "Yes, my parents are in the other house, just lock the door when you leave."

Odd thing about the lock, it locks from the outside.. as if it was a prison for her..

So I left.. and locked the door too

Next thing I know I was with my other friend, Sheqz.. and I was telling her how I haven't slept for nearly 48 hours.. She said she wanted visit Trish, but I said I really needed to sleep...

Then Richard comes in. We are apparently in someone's house again and I was sitting right in front of him. He said the moe called up and wanted to talk about the party

Me: what party?
Richard: The party before term starts and the Simple Plan concert
Me: O.o Why do we need a party for that
Richard: I don't know.. I was just told about it..
*silence*
*me thinking*
Me: Well I can't cook if that's what you called me here for.. unless it's gonna be in someone elses house
Richard: Why not yours?
Me: Well cooking won't be hard in our house, we have 8 stoves, but the space is too small
Richard: Well our house is smaller (This one was odd cause i've been to Richard's house and it's not small)
Me: You see this table, it's probably just 4 times bigger than this.
Richard: Yeah right
Me: Seriously, you can check it out for yourself..


and that's when it ended

December 31, 2011

I had the weirdest dream mainly because it had JB in it.. and by JB, I mean Blanche's JB...

*Whenever I retell a dream, this isn't the exact dream I had. I would have added minor details to make the dream have a bit more sense. But rest assured, the dream is still legit.

It basically started in a Japanese style home. The old ones, not the modern ones. There was a table in the middle and it had a few cups of tea. Around it were some people but the only one I could recognize was Angie.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, someone opened it and JB was there. Now, it wasn't exactly JB as it did not look like him, but I knew in my gut that it was him (later on, he begins to look a lot more like himself)

We leave the room for a while to chat and when we came back, we saw Angie upset. Apparently, the tea had been taken away and she doesn't know where it was. So we console her for a while. We then look for the missing tea which we inevitably could not find (so much for being Sherlock.. hahaha)

The scene suddenly changes into a garage wherein we find ourselves *doing something non-sexual but I would not say because it may leave a scar in your mind that will never leave.*. So apparently, we had become close friends.

We chat for a while about non-sense stuff.. things that I could not remember.. next thing we know, the place is already crowded with lots of people because we *apparated* to Lasalle... He went to class and so did I, but a few minutes into the class, he was sitting beside me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I asked him why he wasn't in class and he said "I wanted to talk to you about Blanche"

I freaked out a bit not knowing what to say. He then goes on saying "What if I court her?"

I asked him why he was asking me this and he said "well, you know blanche better than I do.."

I told him I didn't know... and he asked me "what if I court you?"

I said yes and we got married and lived happily ever after..





TROLOLOLOL
Just trolling you, blanche,
the dream ends when we go our separate ways to class

Most of my blog views are from Russia... WHY?

BACK FROM CHINA!

I will blog about these next few days...

as of now, let me just greet everyone a

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
XIN NIAN KUAI LI
MANIGONG BAGONG TAO!