but like what Lorri told me the other day...
practice makes perfect..
so after XXXX number of years...
I have made 2 poems
I need your criticisms on it
please and thank you :)
So before I show it, I'll explain a bit...
This was brought about by boredom in class
see, we had this article about an immigrant who is struggling with her 2 main langages
Filipino and English..
her audience are Australians which means she needed to speak in English, but in this process she loses her sense of being FIlipino..
she likens it to a wishbone.. even if you have two parts, once you break it down, one will be bigger than the other...
so the question is.. which side of her will be bigger than the other.. The English or the Filipino.. so yeah...
it's mostly in Filipino and a lot of the lines are herp derp
it sounded good to me when I was writing it..
Nagkukubli
O ikaw na bagong lalang
henerasyon ng bagong lyriko't musika
bakit ako'y iyong tinalikuran
aking bibig ay tinakpan
ikinahihiya mo ba ako
isang kantang wala nang saysay
sa iyong isip ako'y namamatay
tulad ng Latin na wala nang buhay
Mas madadalian ka ba kung ako'y makisama
salita ko'y iparang sa iba
mga letrang hindi ko maunawa
mga pantig at tunog banyaga
Nkatago sa banyagang intendidad
ang mga dating Pilipino na ngayo'y Filipino
O, aking anak, asan na ang iyong bayang mahal
halika't balikan nang hindi makalimutan
Ngunit kahit saan ang ating puntahan
kahit sariling tahanan ako'y kinalimutan
ang aking aray, hindi naririnig
humiyaw man ako sa sakit
daing ko'y natitiis
Oh, how I remember my youth
A time of bloodsheds and dispute
I can see how time passes me by
how people forget me
and how I try to conform
My lyrics are no longer heard
My song has become silent
My melody is dead to you
Long gone is the day I will be remembered
but I shall wait
as long as a spark is lighted
what was once divided
can be reunited
Daglat
Pagdadaglat isang uri ng pagpapaikli
ang mga letra sa salita ay kukulangin
at papalitan ng kudlit
ang dating 'noon ay' na napakaiksi
ay nagiging 'noo'y' na walang letrang A
tila tayo ay kinukulang ng letra at pantig
nagtitipid, nagtitiis nagtatawag pansin
Isa kaya 'tong hiyaw ng ating puso
'pang sabihing tayo'y hindi kumpleto
''nti-'nting nawawalan ng pgkatao
paikli ng paikli ang mga slita
prang knuklang ng hninga
i2 ba'ng 2ny na Plpino
ika nga'y Juan Tamad
2 comments:
Not bad, Sean. :D
I'm not a good critique at poems but I think your use of words are executed well. Keep up the good work!
Nagkukubli:
It sounds more of an Ode when you look at it thoroughly.
Sa tingin ko, dapat maging consistent sa tunog ng tula. Yung mood medyo nakakalito unless sadya ito. If it is free-verse, the form is fine pero sa tingin ko lang, mas mabuti kung iisa lang siya, either rhyming or free lang talaga. Magkakaroon ng masmalaking impact kung ganon. You can also follow a shakesperean sonnet form and make the poem more concise or leave it as is.
Medyo nagkulang sa imagery ung overall poem. Question ko lang is sadya ba ung shift to english na iparating na ang filipino language ay nagi-incorporate na ng english or talagang prefer mo lang ang english for the last 2 verses? Either way, try to be consistent with the language kasi magiging nakakalito for the target audience to understand it.
I think it would be a more powerful poem if there was 1 subject that you talked about then branched it out instead of branching out the subjects and trying to conclude all of it. There's a possibility for this poem to contain 3 other poems about 3 different things. You can consider creating those 3 separate poems but they can all be connected as well.
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