Daloy ng Kamalayan

Sapagkat wala akong magawa sa buhay, ito ang aking aatupagin ngayong gabi. Kung ano man ang masulat ko dito ay hindi mabubura maliban na lamang sa pagkakamaling typograpikal.

Andami-dami kong naiisip ngayon na tila hindi ko maintindihan. Una na dito ay ang atraksyon ko sa isang taong malapit sa aking puso. Oo, malapit siya sa aking puso ngunit hindi ko siya iniibig, ata? Kamakailan lamang ay kinausap niya ako tungkol sa plano niya sa kanyang buhay at mga gagawin kapag siya ay nakapagtapos na sa kanyang kurso at ang kanyang sinabi ay gusto niya pa rin akong makasama hanggang sa kaniyang pagtatrabaho; isang bagay na ikinatuwa ko sa di malaman-laman na dahilan.

Isa pang bumabagabag sa aking isipan ay ang enrollment na gaganapin sa lunes. Kasama ako sa mga iregular kung kaya't mas dramatic ang pag-eenroll ko. Kinakailangan kong makuha ang mga asignaturang kailangan ko at hindi ito ganoon kadali.. Kung sa bagay, matagal-tagal pa naman akong mananatili sa La Salle, hindi ko na kailangang masyadong magmadali..

Natuwa ako kahapon. Pumunta siya sa pamantasan kahit na saglit lamang at wala siyang ibang ginawa. Kahit papaano'y nakatutuwang isiping mayroon akong maaaring makausap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na may relasyon sa organisasyon nang walang takot at pangamba.. ngunit kailangan ko ring harapin ang realidad na hindi na niya ako matutulungan kapag natapos na ang terminong ito..

Pupunta ako ng Puerto Galera sa miyerkules. Excited na ako dahil hindi pa ako nakakapunta sa ibang lupalop ng ating bansa.. ang pinakamalayong naabot ko ay Ilocos. Pero ngayon, Puerto Galera, here I come!

Ano nga ba ako sa buhay na ito? Sino ako at ano ang magagawa ko? anong legacy ang maiiwan ko kapag umalis ako ng La Salle? ng mundong ito? Ito ang ilan sa mga tanong na bumabagabag sa aking isipan araw-araw.

Ito na lang muna para sa aking Daloy ng Kamalayan dahil ang aking Kamalayan ay unti-unti nang lumilipat sa 9gag. Paalam! :p

Fun Fact:

I did not march during our high school graduation. It was not my choice and up to this date, I still think it was an unfair decision.

I looked through my stuff and saw a sheet of paper torn in half. This was a letter from the school director of Xavier, Fr. Johnny Go. The letter brought back some of the memories and bitterness from that day. Here's what happened:

I, along with 10-15 other people failed during our 4th year in high school, to make up for it, we had to take summer class AND we were not allowed march up the stage for the graduation ceremony. I begged my Christian Life Education teacher to help me in some way. I only needed 2 points to pass, but this Singaporean brother was very strict about it. So, my next option was to go higher up.. Ms. Elsa Santos, the CLE department chair.

I don't really remember our conversation, but long story short... I had to go even HIGHER.. Ms. Jane Cacacho, our Principal.

I wasn't afraid of Mrs. Cacacho, she was a friendly principal. Whenever I speak to her, it feels like I'm speaking to an older sister. I sent her a letter stating that I would do ANYTHING just to march up the stage during graduation.

"I would take a test, if I have to just to prove I know the lesson, but was just a bit tardy during class" 

"I'd also be fine if I were to still continue summer classes even after the ceremonies"

Again, I was rejected

By this time, I had already started taking the summer classes, but all hope was not yet lost. "I can still march.." I thought to myself. How stupid I was to think that.

During one of my summer classes, I sat in one of the summer classes for those who failed Chinese and it was then that I found out that they were going to march. They were allowed to take an exam which proved they knew the lesson well enough and that they should be given the right to march

MOTHERFUCKERS..

The week before graduation, everyone else was allowed to march save for me and Lendle. It hurt me so much that these other people were given a chance to graduate while I wasn't. But agian, I still have not lost hope. There was one more chance, I could go even higher up.. Fr. Johnny Go.

I wrote a letter similar to what I had written to Mrs. Cacacho and dropped it off at his office. A few hours later, my phone rang and the secretary told me to meet Fr. Go the next day.

I was afraid. I knew Fr. Go was a really nice person, he was kind and gentle, but the mere fact that he's the school director means he can be pretty intimidating. He wasn't. 

I went in his office which was half as big as our classrooms. On one side were shelves upon shelves of Encyclopedias and books. In the middle was a coffee table surrounded by 4 long couches. On the other side was his desk which was even bigger than any table in Xavier I could find...

I sat down in one of the couches and here is how the conversation went

Fr. Go:  What's in the bag?

Me:        Oh, just some extra clothes (in truth, they were my school uniform. I was hoping that if I was 

              allowed, I could change into it and join the practice)

Fr. Go:   I see, so Sean.. Tell me what happened?

Me:        Well, it's really my fault that I failed, I understand that, but I know I failed not because I didn't 

              know the lesson. I failed because I was lazy.

Fr. Go:   Lazy in what way? Submitting requirements? studying?

Me:        Submitting requirements. That's the only reason I failed because my quizzes are fine, they're not that 

              high, but I did not fail any of them...

Fr. Go:   So tell me, how can you prove that you are worthy of being called a Xaverian?

That question struck me.. I had no clue what to say.. I had one last card I can show.. and that's what I did..

Me:       Although I wasn't allowed to take extra-curricular activites, I am very active in the summer activities 

             led by the school. I am a proud member of Para Kay Kiko 5 years running....

Fr. Go:  I don't mean that.. I mean, when you graduate, who will you become? Cause I can let you off the    

             hook in just a snap, but if I do, how will you take it? 

Me:       Umm.. like I said, I'm very active in socio-civic activities.

Fr. Go  : Yes, I understand that, but look at it this way.. If I do not allow you to march, it might be a lesson 

              to you to better yourself. Letting you march might be a wrong decision as it will only make you 

              think that you can get your way whenever you want.

Me:       Ohh.

Fr. Go:  You're a very articulate person, Sean. I like that of you. Seeing you and hearing you speak, I don't 

             understand why you failed in any subject at all. 

That's how the conversation went.. more or less...

That afternoon, I was in grad practice (I was there to, again, watch.. just in case I would be allowed to join in..) when my phone rang. It was the secretary telling me to go back to the office in an hour. That's what I did. She handed me a letter from Fr. Go. This was the moment of truth, but I don't think I could handle reading it alone.

I went back to the grad practice which had moved to the MPH. I was with my adviser and I showed her the letter. My friends Marquis and Jan were looking at me, they knew what was happening. 

I opened the letter and my dreams came shattering down. I was not allowed to march. It was the final decision and there's no other person I could talk to.. 

2 days later, I showed up in the graduation ceremony in a barong. I sat at the back along with Mr. Cabanos, the CMSO personnel and we had a chat. It was awkward being there as there were people who knew me and knew that I should be graduating... I felt like I just got kicked out of my school. As if I was chewed out by the one whom I swore to come back to one day and proudly say, "I graduated here.."

I hate it now.. 

and when I do get successful, I am not gonna say that I was a Xaverian because, after all, I passed Xavier, but I did not graduate from it..

I've created a new blog...
follow? :))

zagafryon-in-love.blogspot.com

Moving On..

I'm not yet totally over my crush, but I have a new crush.

This crush developed just a few weeks ago. At first I didn't really think it was something, but then I keep noticing how I notice EVERYTHING about him.. I knew I like him a bit. I didn't think I wanted to like him as more than a friend.

----
I was checking out his pictures just a few moments ago and I can't help but feel panghihinayang that he cut his hair. His long hair looked way better on him. Although his hair now isn't all that bad either. :)

I've long debated with myself whether or not to tell him about my crush on him. I'm pretty sure it's obvious now save for me telling him directly, he has all the clues in the world.

But I chose not to. There were a couple of reasons.

but here's the thing.

If you, my dear reader, are a friend of his and has seen this blog. You may show it to him. No holds barred. his name is in this blog, just a few posts down. I won't mind nor will I take it against you... besides.  I wouldn't know either

Car Trip Blues

"What started out as friendship has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let you know"


"You pulled me in and I'm a little more weak. It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something.. it's fearless"


"So I won't hesitate no more.. no more."


"When you call my name. It's like a little prayer. I'm down on my knees. I wanna take you there"


"Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you but you never come.."


"Hanggang sa muling pagtatagpo. Hanggang sa huling pag-ikot ng mundo. Ang tanging hanap ko ay ang pag-ibig mo"


"What do you say to taking chances. What do you say to jumping off the edge. Never knowing if there's solid ground below or hand to hold or hell to pay, what do you say?"


"Cause everything you do and words you say. You know that it all taked my breath away and now I'm left with nothing"


"Untouchable like a distant diamond sky."