Because Potato

I feel like I need to let out some frustrations.. so I will blog...

I don't know how t start this off since I'm really really bad at writing..

I haven't even thought of what to say and I'm starting to cry..

it's just that.. I am jealous

I am jealous of almost every person I meet

For years, it felt like no one loved me.. That I was all alone in this world..
it was the case ever since I was in 3rd grade..

My dad had left for the US,
my mom started studying
and my classmates started bullying me that I was gay
I was a kid who cried at the slightest things,
sure it made me cry that I was bullied,
but at the end of the day,
it felt like nothing happened...
like it was just a dream
and that i can go back to being happy again...

but as time passed me by
I realized how lonely and alone I always am.
I never had a yaya after my dad left..
so every night, I'd be alone in my room..
I'd fall asleep before my mom gets home..
go to school the next morning
play with friends
and in the afternoon, while waiting for the schoolbus, I'd be alone..
I had to wait 2 hours everyday just because we grade schoolers were dismissed earlier than the high schoolers..
I was never one for making friends with people unless thay made friends with me..
I was too shy..
so I was alone..
but again, I didn't mind any of it..
that's how life is..
you have to make sacrifices...
frankly, I can call myself the boy who waited (Doctor Who reference)

but then, high school came and the black sheep was tossed out of the sheep pen..
Barrages of insults, jokes and teases from schoolmates and teachers..
yes, you read correctly, teachers..
it was hard to bear

I had BO when i was in high school..
i'm not sure if I do now..
but people don't seem to tell me that anymore..
add to that the fact that I had to repeat a year
on top of all those, I was gay..
and I was and still am fat...

I had the worst combination of anything bad you can possibly think of..
I never made friends more than what I already had cause I was afraid that they would hate me
eventually, people will start hating me

in 3rd year, I was front and center in the classroom...
and the ones behind me and beside me were the ones who bullied me..
this was the seating arrangement my teacher picked out for us..
On the first day, I didn't want to sit there
so I hid in the bathroom
and cried
for three straight periods

the worst part about the class was that I had a teacher who would spray air freshener everytime he walked in and everyone would cheer.
he would then spend the first 10-20 minutes of class discussing how bad the smell was and how the class can try to get rid of it

during our Days with the Lord..
the retreat that was supposed to "change our live forever"
did nothing to me..
I did not feel any closer to god..
nor did my other classmates..

When high school ended..I was not able to march.. I was not allowed to march during graduation
something that upto now, I do not understand why
There were 20+ of us who had to take summer classes and out of those 20+ people
only 2 weren't able to march.

I made a letter...
a formal request to my teacher saying I wanted to march i don't care if I have to take summer classes.. I just wanted to march..
he rejected it right in front of my face
I went to the principal..
i told her I can prove that t'm worth of graduating and that I should march
she rejected it
Last resort was with the school director
I came in for the interview.. I brought my uniform just in case I will be allowed to march.. if I would, then I can immediately join the grad practive
He loved me.. my talk went great..
I had a glimmer of hope
but the next day,
it was denied..

I don't get it.. clearly everyone else except the two of us proved they were worthy of being able to march
why couldn't we do the same thing?
You can't say that "I was give too many chances"
because I'm not the only retainee who took summer classes
that guy was a fuckin' idiot..
a lunatic who threw a bottle out the window for his speech and almost hitting a car.. because he was portraying a drunk Romeo
he's the guy jumped out the ledge because he portrayed a suicidal Romeo...
Yes, he did his speech twice cause he didn't like how his first speech went...

GODDAMMIT...

lost my mood to write because my mom pissed me off just now..