Daloy ng Kamalayan

Sapagkat wala akong magawa sa buhay, ito ang aking aatupagin ngayong gabi. Kung ano man ang masulat ko dito ay hindi mabubura maliban na lamang sa pagkakamaling typograpikal.

Andami-dami kong naiisip ngayon na tila hindi ko maintindihan. Una na dito ay ang atraksyon ko sa isang taong malapit sa aking puso. Oo, malapit siya sa aking puso ngunit hindi ko siya iniibig, ata? Kamakailan lamang ay kinausap niya ako tungkol sa plano niya sa kanyang buhay at mga gagawin kapag siya ay nakapagtapos na sa kanyang kurso at ang kanyang sinabi ay gusto niya pa rin akong makasama hanggang sa kaniyang pagtatrabaho; isang bagay na ikinatuwa ko sa di malaman-laman na dahilan.

Isa pang bumabagabag sa aking isipan ay ang enrollment na gaganapin sa lunes. Kasama ako sa mga iregular kung kaya't mas dramatic ang pag-eenroll ko. Kinakailangan kong makuha ang mga asignaturang kailangan ko at hindi ito ganoon kadali.. Kung sa bagay, matagal-tagal pa naman akong mananatili sa La Salle, hindi ko na kailangang masyadong magmadali..

Natuwa ako kahapon. Pumunta siya sa pamantasan kahit na saglit lamang at wala siyang ibang ginawa. Kahit papaano'y nakatutuwang isiping mayroon akong maaaring makausap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na may relasyon sa organisasyon nang walang takot at pangamba.. ngunit kailangan ko ring harapin ang realidad na hindi na niya ako matutulungan kapag natapos na ang terminong ito..

Pupunta ako ng Puerto Galera sa miyerkules. Excited na ako dahil hindi pa ako nakakapunta sa ibang lupalop ng ating bansa.. ang pinakamalayong naabot ko ay Ilocos. Pero ngayon, Puerto Galera, here I come!

Ano nga ba ako sa buhay na ito? Sino ako at ano ang magagawa ko? anong legacy ang maiiwan ko kapag umalis ako ng La Salle? ng mundong ito? Ito ang ilan sa mga tanong na bumabagabag sa aking isipan araw-araw.

Ito na lang muna para sa aking Daloy ng Kamalayan dahil ang aking Kamalayan ay unti-unti nang lumilipat sa 9gag. Paalam! :p

Fun Fact:

I did not march during our high school graduation. It was not my choice and up to this date, I still think it was an unfair decision.

I looked through my stuff and saw a sheet of paper torn in half. This was a letter from the school director of Xavier, Fr. Johnny Go. The letter brought back some of the memories and bitterness from that day. Here's what happened:

I, along with 10-15 other people failed during our 4th year in high school, to make up for it, we had to take summer class AND we were not allowed march up the stage for the graduation ceremony. I begged my Christian Life Education teacher to help me in some way. I only needed 2 points to pass, but this Singaporean brother was very strict about it. So, my next option was to go higher up.. Ms. Elsa Santos, the CLE department chair.

I don't really remember our conversation, but long story short... I had to go even HIGHER.. Ms. Jane Cacacho, our Principal.

I wasn't afraid of Mrs. Cacacho, she was a friendly principal. Whenever I speak to her, it feels like I'm speaking to an older sister. I sent her a letter stating that I would do ANYTHING just to march up the stage during graduation.

"I would take a test, if I have to just to prove I know the lesson, but was just a bit tardy during class" 

"I'd also be fine if I were to still continue summer classes even after the ceremonies"

Again, I was rejected

By this time, I had already started taking the summer classes, but all hope was not yet lost. "I can still march.." I thought to myself. How stupid I was to think that.

During one of my summer classes, I sat in one of the summer classes for those who failed Chinese and it was then that I found out that they were going to march. They were allowed to take an exam which proved they knew the lesson well enough and that they should be given the right to march

MOTHERFUCKERS..

The week before graduation, everyone else was allowed to march save for me and Lendle. It hurt me so much that these other people were given a chance to graduate while I wasn't. But agian, I still have not lost hope. There was one more chance, I could go even higher up.. Fr. Johnny Go.

I wrote a letter similar to what I had written to Mrs. Cacacho and dropped it off at his office. A few hours later, my phone rang and the secretary told me to meet Fr. Go the next day.

I was afraid. I knew Fr. Go was a really nice person, he was kind and gentle, but the mere fact that he's the school director means he can be pretty intimidating. He wasn't. 

I went in his office which was half as big as our classrooms. On one side were shelves upon shelves of Encyclopedias and books. In the middle was a coffee table surrounded by 4 long couches. On the other side was his desk which was even bigger than any table in Xavier I could find...

I sat down in one of the couches and here is how the conversation went

Fr. Go:  What's in the bag?

Me:        Oh, just some extra clothes (in truth, they were my school uniform. I was hoping that if I was 

              allowed, I could change into it and join the practice)

Fr. Go:   I see, so Sean.. Tell me what happened?

Me:        Well, it's really my fault that I failed, I understand that, but I know I failed not because I didn't 

              know the lesson. I failed because I was lazy.

Fr. Go:   Lazy in what way? Submitting requirements? studying?

Me:        Submitting requirements. That's the only reason I failed because my quizzes are fine, they're not that 

              high, but I did not fail any of them...

Fr. Go:   So tell me, how can you prove that you are worthy of being called a Xaverian?

That question struck me.. I had no clue what to say.. I had one last card I can show.. and that's what I did..

Me:       Although I wasn't allowed to take extra-curricular activites, I am very active in the summer activities 

             led by the school. I am a proud member of Para Kay Kiko 5 years running....

Fr. Go:  I don't mean that.. I mean, when you graduate, who will you become? Cause I can let you off the    

             hook in just a snap, but if I do, how will you take it? 

Me:       Umm.. like I said, I'm very active in socio-civic activities.

Fr. Go  : Yes, I understand that, but look at it this way.. If I do not allow you to march, it might be a lesson 

              to you to better yourself. Letting you march might be a wrong decision as it will only make you 

              think that you can get your way whenever you want.

Me:       Ohh.

Fr. Go:  You're a very articulate person, Sean. I like that of you. Seeing you and hearing you speak, I don't 

             understand why you failed in any subject at all. 

That's how the conversation went.. more or less...

That afternoon, I was in grad practice (I was there to, again, watch.. just in case I would be allowed to join in..) when my phone rang. It was the secretary telling me to go back to the office in an hour. That's what I did. She handed me a letter from Fr. Go. This was the moment of truth, but I don't think I could handle reading it alone.

I went back to the grad practice which had moved to the MPH. I was with my adviser and I showed her the letter. My friends Marquis and Jan were looking at me, they knew what was happening. 

I opened the letter and my dreams came shattering down. I was not allowed to march. It was the final decision and there's no other person I could talk to.. 

2 days later, I showed up in the graduation ceremony in a barong. I sat at the back along with Mr. Cabanos, the CMSO personnel and we had a chat. It was awkward being there as there were people who knew me and knew that I should be graduating... I felt like I just got kicked out of my school. As if I was chewed out by the one whom I swore to come back to one day and proudly say, "I graduated here.."

I hate it now.. 

and when I do get successful, I am not gonna say that I was a Xaverian because, after all, I passed Xavier, but I did not graduate from it..

I've created a new blog...
follow? :))

zagafryon-in-love.blogspot.com

Moving On..

I'm not yet totally over my crush, but I have a new crush.

This crush developed just a few weeks ago. At first I didn't really think it was something, but then I keep noticing how I notice EVERYTHING about him.. I knew I like him a bit. I didn't think I wanted to like him as more than a friend.

----
I was checking out his pictures just a few moments ago and I can't help but feel panghihinayang that he cut his hair. His long hair looked way better on him. Although his hair now isn't all that bad either. :)

I've long debated with myself whether or not to tell him about my crush on him. I'm pretty sure it's obvious now save for me telling him directly, he has all the clues in the world.

But I chose not to. There were a couple of reasons.

but here's the thing.

If you, my dear reader, are a friend of his and has seen this blog. You may show it to him. No holds barred. his name is in this blog, just a few posts down. I won't mind nor will I take it against you... besides.  I wouldn't know either

Car Trip Blues

"What started out as friendship has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let you know"


"You pulled me in and I'm a little more weak. It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something.. it's fearless"


"So I won't hesitate no more.. no more."


"When you call my name. It's like a little prayer. I'm down on my knees. I wanna take you there"


"Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you but you never come.."


"Hanggang sa muling pagtatagpo. Hanggang sa huling pag-ikot ng mundo. Ang tanging hanap ko ay ang pag-ibig mo"


"What do you say to taking chances. What do you say to jumping off the edge. Never knowing if there's solid ground below or hand to hold or hell to pay, what do you say?"


"Cause everything you do and words you say. You know that it all taked my breath away and now I'm left with nothing"


"Untouchable like a distant diamond sky."

Please don't do that to me.. 

I was scared..

I thought for a moment something might have happened..

I wouldn't want to see you the way people do in movies..

I love you, so don't scare me like that

it was as if you were saying goodbye

I consider you as one of my closest friends

and I'm not ready to lose you

Bea: Tell me why you think you love him
Me: I know one of my main reasons... but it's a little too explicit for you
Bea: Then tell me in a way that it's not too much to handle
Me: Fine, actually it's not too explicit anyways.. I can't imagine us having sex.. With everyone else, it's easy.. but with him, I can't do it... and I don't know why

A Quick Update on my ILOCOS tour

The Ilocos trip did not go as I expected it to. Secrets were revealed.. Things were done... and Hopes that had been crushed were renewed...

Revelations:
We had a truth or dare after our drinking session. one of the questions asked to me was "Fuck, Marry, Kill." The Kill was a unanimous.. My F and M though were two of my biggest crushes... who were inside the room (one of  the conditions for FMK was that the person had to be in the room) so I said that I would Fuck Renz Casanova and Marry Carlo Rivera

Actions that can't be undone
Obviously, at one point, we stopped doing truths as it was very easy. So we started doing dares... some of my dares included these: Lick someone's lips, give a lap dance, rub your genitals on a piece furniture.. stuff like those.. needless to say.. it was fun, but I could have gone without it...

HOPE!
This one is gonna be a bit long so I shall make a second post and I will post it in the next few days... :D

I HATE YOU WITH A BURNING PASSION

AND I REGRET LOWERING MYSELF FAR BELOW YOU JUST TO SAY SORRY FOR THE SAKE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP. YOU ARE WORTHLESS TO ME NOW MORE THAN EVER.

YOU ARE NOT THE KING OF ANYTHING, YOU DO NOT OWN THE WORLD AND YOU DO NOT OWN ME.

IF IT'S A WAR YOU WANT, THEN IT'S A WAR YOU'LL LOSE.

I'm having a bit of trouble with people right now..

It's not their fault. It's mostly mine

Wrong choices and such..

and maybe overstepping my boundaries a bit

I still believe in what I said

a bit guilty..

but I know I was right

with the other people though

I know I was wrong...

GDI!

I'm somewhat in distress ever since Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon, around 5pm. We were told that the announcement of the next officers of DANUM will be held on Saturday, Feb. 25. Since there were no classes, it did not push through.

All week long, I was thinking.. "I won't get it.. I won't get it.." and I had a few reasons why I didn't think I'd get it

• 90% of the people did not vote for me when they were asked who they wanted to be president
• I failed in showing that I was good enough to be president
• Others were probably better than me during interviews and such
• My project proposal for the GA was a stupid idea (the theme pissed me off.. so I didn't really give too much effort)

Well that's all I can think of right now..

anyways..

So, these past few days, I've been thinking about "what-if's"

and how my speech would go (if given a chance)

WHAT IF I WAS MADE PRESIDENT

I would have had a speech prepared

"Salamat, mga opisyal ng DANUM sa pagkakataong ibinigay ninyo sa akin. Alam kong marami sa inyong ang tumututol na ako'y maging Pangulo ng organisasyong ito, ngunit ito'y narito na. Kalimutan na lamang natin ang ating nakaraan at tayo'y sumulong sa pagpapaunlad ng ating organisasyon, ating kurso, ating departamento at ating unibersidad"

or

"Salamat, mga opisyal ng DANUM sa pagkakataong ibinigay ninyo sa akin. Ngunit, ako'y nababahala na hindi ko matupad ang tungkulin ko bilang Pangulo ng organisasyon kung kaya't hindi ko ito tatanggapin. Ayon sa aking kaibigan sa ibang organisasyon, ang kanilang prof org ang dahilan kung bakit marami sa kanila ang nag-aaway-away. Ayokong madagdagan ang kung ano mang alitan ko sa aking mga kamag-aral. Kung kaya't maraming salamat, ngunit ako'y tumatanggi sa posisyong ito."

WHAT IF I WAS NOT MADE PRESIDENT

I'd most probably just quit.. no speeches and such. tell them that I don't want it..

I should explain the situation a bit more.. but I'm too tamad right now.. LOLOLOLOL

YOU DON'T FUCKIN' UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL

Everytime I'm in that fucking classroom
everytime na kasama ko kayo
parang feeling ko lahat kayo may galit sakin

WHY?

I don't understand.
After all I've done
I've always had your back when you were in trouble
I had your back when you needed
and I never ask for anything in return..
Pero sana man lang tinatrato niyo ako na parang kaibigan, hindi kaaway..

mano ba naman yung sabihin sakin na dalawa ang irereport natin
simpleng text lang.. "Sean, irereport rin natin yung isang readings"
BAKIT HINDI NIYO YUN MAGAWA?
BAKIT KAILANGAN DURING THE DAY OF THE SUPPOSED REPORTING NIYO SASABIHIN

YOU WERE IN THE TAMBAYAN FOR ONE FUCKIN' HOUR
YOU EVEN OPENED THE PPT IN FRONT OF MY FACE
AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL ME NA REPORTING NATIN YUN?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??

I always thought that I would be welcome with you guys.. that no matter what happens, you'd be my friends
I guess I was wrong..
you'll all leave me hanging

WELL FUCK YOU ALL

I'll only ever be second best

水

I'm learning a lot online...

but what I really need is a teacher

someone who can confirm if what I'm doing is right..

although I know that with these things, it's mostly intuition..

水

I've only recently learned that I'm a water type. It makes a lot of sense, but I still think that I'm partially wind. I don't know. It just feels that way.

I've also recently learned that water types may or may not be empaths.

What is an empath? Well to put it simply, it's a person who has the ability to sense emotion from any object, living or otherwise. It works through a sort of wavelength the soul projects which can then be felt by an empath.

I have a feeling that I am an empath. Not a practiced one, but when someone has strong feelings about something, I think I can sense them.

Just a few days ago, I was with a group of friends and I was really bothered by something. I was fine before I met up with them, but something gave off this negative vibe that just made me uncomfortable. I wanted to excuse myself, but I decided to stay anyways. Then the next day, it happened again. This time I'm less sure of what the cause was, but it could either have been because of someone's emotion or the ring I tried on that day.

BBC Sherlock Season 2

PUTANGINA LANG..

I can't handle these emotions..

holy crap on a stick...

I don't know anymore...

RAARRGGHHH

Glad to know you don't miss me.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you then it's meant to be

Personally, I don't believe in this quote..

If you love something enough, why would you let it go? If it were me I'd fight for it no matter what. It is only when the other person has given up that I lose hope.

I have almost always stuck up to my friends no matter what. Even when they've considered me their enemy, I still worry and care for them. It's partially because I have not lost hope that maybe someday, things that have happened will blow over.

Which is why I'm happy that some of my enemies have become my friends again. Sure, we might not be as close as we used to be, but at least I can sleep soundly that I have made one less enemy just because I didn't give up.

"Forgive and forget" ika nga..

The thing about that quote though is that I agree with it.. and yet I disagree with it..

Forgiveness is essential to friendship turned enemies.. but forgetting is a tough cookie. Forget what the person did to you, forget the pain it felt when he/she did the act, but do not forget what has been done nor should you forget the pain you felt.

Confusing?

Think of it this way, the only way you can forgive someone fully is when you forget that the person did something to hurt you.

As I was once told by my teacher "The sin is in the act, not the person itself"

Maturity

Maturity is something that cannot be measured. So knowing that a person is mature can be very subjective and therein lies the problem.

I used to think that I was really mature just because I could curse. I thought I was mature because I knew what dildos, handjobs, rimming and terms similar to that meant. In some way, that is a step towards maturity, but that isn't all it is.

Maturity, for me, is knowing how to handle things without needing the help of others. Maturity is being able to see things clearly for what it is and not just what it shows to be. Maturity is when we grow up and realize that we're not kids anymore and we have to stop acting like one.

I'm not saying we should let go of things. Maturity is not letting go of being young. It is not letting go of being the kid you really are. What it is is a drive that pushes you to be better than who you are right now. Why do we laugh at our younger selves? It's because we thought so highly of ourselves then, but looking back, we were nothing.

I cannot say that I am mature enough for my age. There are things I do not understand about life. There are lots of things I still need to learn.

What I'm trying to say is that, sometimes, no matter how mature we think we are, we could be wrong.