I'm back bitches!

No, that's a terrible thing to say..

terrible indeed...

What I meant was.

I'm back to reblogging!

Ever noticed how whenever I speak, I speak nonsense most of the time, but in the end you actually get the point and you finally understand why I had to say all those nonsense just for me to get to the point?

I believe that this was caused by Doctor Who.. oh the Doctor.. he's just so... IDK... he's never straight to the point.. and yet he always is...

Oh look at me, rambling so much...

Well, all I wanted to say was I won't be able to log in the next few days, but rest assured, I'm reviving this blog.

Hello, old friend...

... we meet again.

I've been neglecting you so much nowadays, the pain of writing to you gets deeper with every post I could never publish. Every draft that was saved in you is a scar that burns deep in my soul. How I wish I could write something cheerier; something people would want to read...

... and yet, I am burdened with the sad truth that I have nothing happy to write about just yet. I have been cooked up in the same safe situations that I have always been in. I'm too afraid to take risks; that's how I always am.. and as of now, that's how I'll always be...

You There?

I miss you.. sometimes

I still wish that you're with me right now...

I still wish we were together

Happy (supposed) Anniversary

Happy Mother's Day

But you didn't have to cut me off 

Make out like it never happened 

And that we were nothing 

And I don't even need your love 

But you treat me like a stranger 

And that feels so rough 

You didn't have to stoop so low 

Have your friends collect your records 

And then change your number 

I guess that I don't need that though 

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

From 1991-present

1991 - I was born

1995 - At the age of 3, I attended pre-school at Mother Goose

1996 - At the age of 4, I started school at Xavier School

1997 - During my Prep year, the bullying had started about me being fat.

1998 - I started Grade 1 had different classmates and met one of my closest friends, Marc

1999 - Grade 2, I had the same classmates save for a bully who was added to the list. This was the same bully from prep

2000 - My dad had left for the US

2000 - I had started to be bullied that I was gay. Especially when I was chosen to portray the role of a girl in our play

2000 - My cousin started bullying me because I like to play with Barbie dolls.

2001 - The bullying had died down a bit. I got to meet one of my former closest friend, Tennyson

2002 - The bullying had started again. This time it was getting much worse, people from other class whom I didn't know had joined in

2003 - I shrug off every word that everyone says about me thinking that isn't true

2004 - I had come to the realization that I am what I am, and that people don't have a right to judge me for that. How I wish I still had this fighting spirit

2005 - I entered Xavier High School. There were still bullies, but my saving grace was the subject Filipino. It was the love of my high school life. 

2006 - I took summer classes for the first time in my whole life. The invulnerability that I thought I had did not work well for me. 

2006 - I joined Para Kay Kiko. A summer program that teaches public school students basic high school knowledge. This was where I shone the brightest. This was, for me, the best place I could be. I was a teacher, a mentor, a kuya..

2006 - I was classmates with one of my worst bullies who carries 3/4 of my name; Sean Patrick Tan So.

2006 - I had a fight with Tennyson, I did not know what it was about but after 2 years, I finally find realize  why

2006 - I stormed out of our classroom when I had seen the letters B and O in a thick font on the chalkboard. I threw my 5 inch thick biology book at the person who had written it and stormed out.

2007 - I received the bad news that I was going to be retained.

2007 - I went inside my classroom which was full of people unknown to me save for one. I acted tough thinking that I should try to intimidate these people. It didn't work..

2008 - The bullying about me being gay had started all over again. This time it was MUCH WORSE. On top of that, my classmates would often tease me that I smell bad

2008 - My Social Science teacher bullied me. He would often bring an air freshener with him and spray it in my direction. He even got a plastic of charcoal and orange peel which he placed under my chair

2008 - My multiply account was flooded with comment on how gay I was and how I should just drop out of school and kill myself

2008 - I told my teacher what had happened and her solution was to place me in the middle of the room and surround me with the same people who treated me like dirt

2008 - I hid in the bathroom for three consecutive periods, crying... 

2009 - I suffered for months with the same group of bullies in my class

2009 - We had a retreat wherein my bullies apologized to me

2009 - I honestly thought that there was hope for me against these bullies...

2010 - There wasn't..

and now, I'm in college. I'm in a place where social distinctions do not exist.. or rather, are not expressed outwardly. 

My disposition when meeting someone is new is somewhat judging. I am very, as they say, masungit when you see me for the first time. That is because I have learned to not make friends. If you want to make friends with me, that'll be fine but you can never expect me to be the first to make the move. 

But even then, I judge the people who I would think are bullies. I am very cautious of people like this because I have a feeling that once I get to know them better... I get to know them bettter as people who would bully me. 

That is what I learned from high school... to learn that no one has pure intentions towards you.. that at some point, people will disappoint you. What matters is that when they disappoint you, you have no attachment towards them anymore... that you will feel nothing about it..

Mr. Brightside

Now I'm falling asleep

and she's calling a cab

while he's having a smoke

and she's taking a drag

and now they're going to bed

and my stomach is sick

and it's all in my head

but she's touching his chest now

he takes off her dress now

let me go

cause I just can't look 

it's killing me 

and taking control

jealousy

turning saints into the sea

turning to sick lullabies

chokin' on your alibis

but it's just the price I pay

destiny is calling me

open up my eager eyes

I'm not totally over him, not a single bit..

It's Not For Me

I've recently learned to shut myself from the world that is full of romantic love.

Until now, I've been deluding myself with promises that "it gets better"

Let me tell you the truth. For me, it doesn't...

This is all the world can offer to me. I can fall in love.. but no way in hell is anyone falling in love with me.

and so, I stop.

05/05/12

When I was a kid, I never thought the day would come that I would hate my mom and even on a day so close to mother's day and her birthday.

I'm not asking for much. I just want her to come home, hang out with me, take me somewhere where it's just the two of us.

But she keeps pushing me away. She would rather spend time with "other people" than me. I get to be at home only 2 days a week... and during those two days, she's only at home for less than 24 hours... and those 24 hours.. she's only awake for around 4 hours.. and during those 4 hours, she only has time to scold me, and hide me from the rest of the world...

That's the first thing she says when she gets home "parating na siya.." which actually means that I should go to my room and lock myself up for the rest of the night. Usually around this time..

As much as I love being able to spend a bit more than we usually did, I would rather have my old mom back. The one who would always be there when I needed her. The one who I can talk to about everything. The one who I could depend on everyime there's a problem with school.

So much for mother's day...

Shout!

I have a voice that makes people listen.
I have a voice that makes people shut up
I have a voice that I don't use so often
A voice that's taken for granted


One thing I've always noticed about my speeches in class is that everyone really stops to listen to what I have to say even if it doesn't mean anything at all. This is probably one of the effects of being a teacher for 5 summers, you learn how to FORCE people to listen to you (Add to that how huge my voice is.. when I shout, you can hear it form the other room..).

But there's a catch. I need to be confident enough to be able to convince them. It doesn't matter if I tell a lie or a truth. Confidence is the key. Which is why, lately, I haven't been doing so well.

A lot of the subject I've been taking recently have forced me to shut up. I don't know a lot about the topics nor do I know what to say about it. and when I do, I always get shaky and nervous hoping that no one will judge me for what I say.

Hopefully, that changes soon

Daloy ng Kamalayan

Sapagkat wala akong magawa sa buhay, ito ang aking aatupagin ngayong gabi. Kung ano man ang masulat ko dito ay hindi mabubura maliban na lamang sa pagkakamaling typograpikal.

Andami-dami kong naiisip ngayon na tila hindi ko maintindihan. Una na dito ay ang atraksyon ko sa isang taong malapit sa aking puso. Oo, malapit siya sa aking puso ngunit hindi ko siya iniibig, ata? Kamakailan lamang ay kinausap niya ako tungkol sa plano niya sa kanyang buhay at mga gagawin kapag siya ay nakapagtapos na sa kanyang kurso at ang kanyang sinabi ay gusto niya pa rin akong makasama hanggang sa kaniyang pagtatrabaho; isang bagay na ikinatuwa ko sa di malaman-laman na dahilan.

Isa pang bumabagabag sa aking isipan ay ang enrollment na gaganapin sa lunes. Kasama ako sa mga iregular kung kaya't mas dramatic ang pag-eenroll ko. Kinakailangan kong makuha ang mga asignaturang kailangan ko at hindi ito ganoon kadali.. Kung sa bagay, matagal-tagal pa naman akong mananatili sa La Salle, hindi ko na kailangang masyadong magmadali..

Natuwa ako kahapon. Pumunta siya sa pamantasan kahit na saglit lamang at wala siyang ibang ginawa. Kahit papaano'y nakatutuwang isiping mayroon akong maaaring makausap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na may relasyon sa organisasyon nang walang takot at pangamba.. ngunit kailangan ko ring harapin ang realidad na hindi na niya ako matutulungan kapag natapos na ang terminong ito..

Pupunta ako ng Puerto Galera sa miyerkules. Excited na ako dahil hindi pa ako nakakapunta sa ibang lupalop ng ating bansa.. ang pinakamalayong naabot ko ay Ilocos. Pero ngayon, Puerto Galera, here I come!

Ano nga ba ako sa buhay na ito? Sino ako at ano ang magagawa ko? anong legacy ang maiiwan ko kapag umalis ako ng La Salle? ng mundong ito? Ito ang ilan sa mga tanong na bumabagabag sa aking isipan araw-araw.

Ito na lang muna para sa aking Daloy ng Kamalayan dahil ang aking Kamalayan ay unti-unti nang lumilipat sa 9gag. Paalam! :p

Fun Fact:

I did not march during our high school graduation. It was not my choice and up to this date, I still think it was an unfair decision.

I looked through my stuff and saw a sheet of paper torn in half. This was a letter from the school director of Xavier, Fr. Johnny Go. The letter brought back some of the memories and bitterness from that day. Here's what happened:

I, along with 10-15 other people failed during our 4th year in high school, to make up for it, we had to take summer class AND we were not allowed march up the stage for the graduation ceremony. I begged my Christian Life Education teacher to help me in some way. I only needed 2 points to pass, but this Singaporean brother was very strict about it. So, my next option was to go higher up.. Ms. Elsa Santos, the CLE department chair.

I don't really remember our conversation, but long story short... I had to go even HIGHER.. Ms. Jane Cacacho, our Principal.

I wasn't afraid of Mrs. Cacacho, she was a friendly principal. Whenever I speak to her, it feels like I'm speaking to an older sister. I sent her a letter stating that I would do ANYTHING just to march up the stage during graduation.

"I would take a test, if I have to just to prove I know the lesson, but was just a bit tardy during class" 

"I'd also be fine if I were to still continue summer classes even after the ceremonies"

Again, I was rejected

By this time, I had already started taking the summer classes, but all hope was not yet lost. "I can still march.." I thought to myself. How stupid I was to think that.

During one of my summer classes, I sat in one of the summer classes for those who failed Chinese and it was then that I found out that they were going to march. They were allowed to take an exam which proved they knew the lesson well enough and that they should be given the right to march

MOTHERFUCKERS..

The week before graduation, everyone else was allowed to march save for me and Lendle. It hurt me so much that these other people were given a chance to graduate while I wasn't. But agian, I still have not lost hope. There was one more chance, I could go even higher up.. Fr. Johnny Go.

I wrote a letter similar to what I had written to Mrs. Cacacho and dropped it off at his office. A few hours later, my phone rang and the secretary told me to meet Fr. Go the next day.

I was afraid. I knew Fr. Go was a really nice person, he was kind and gentle, but the mere fact that he's the school director means he can be pretty intimidating. He wasn't. 

I went in his office which was half as big as our classrooms. On one side were shelves upon shelves of Encyclopedias and books. In the middle was a coffee table surrounded by 4 long couches. On the other side was his desk which was even bigger than any table in Xavier I could find...

I sat down in one of the couches and here is how the conversation went

Fr. Go:  What's in the bag?

Me:        Oh, just some extra clothes (in truth, they were my school uniform. I was hoping that if I was 

              allowed, I could change into it and join the practice)

Fr. Go:   I see, so Sean.. Tell me what happened?

Me:        Well, it's really my fault that I failed, I understand that, but I know I failed not because I didn't 

              know the lesson. I failed because I was lazy.

Fr. Go:   Lazy in what way? Submitting requirements? studying?

Me:        Submitting requirements. That's the only reason I failed because my quizzes are fine, they're not that 

              high, but I did not fail any of them...

Fr. Go:   So tell me, how can you prove that you are worthy of being called a Xaverian?

That question struck me.. I had no clue what to say.. I had one last card I can show.. and that's what I did..

Me:       Although I wasn't allowed to take extra-curricular activites, I am very active in the summer activities 

             led by the school. I am a proud member of Para Kay Kiko 5 years running....

Fr. Go:  I don't mean that.. I mean, when you graduate, who will you become? Cause I can let you off the    

             hook in just a snap, but if I do, how will you take it? 

Me:       Umm.. like I said, I'm very active in socio-civic activities.

Fr. Go  : Yes, I understand that, but look at it this way.. If I do not allow you to march, it might be a lesson 

              to you to better yourself. Letting you march might be a wrong decision as it will only make you 

              think that you can get your way whenever you want.

Me:       Ohh.

Fr. Go:  You're a very articulate person, Sean. I like that of you. Seeing you and hearing you speak, I don't 

             understand why you failed in any subject at all. 

That's how the conversation went.. more or less...

That afternoon, I was in grad practice (I was there to, again, watch.. just in case I would be allowed to join in..) when my phone rang. It was the secretary telling me to go back to the office in an hour. That's what I did. She handed me a letter from Fr. Go. This was the moment of truth, but I don't think I could handle reading it alone.

I went back to the grad practice which had moved to the MPH. I was with my adviser and I showed her the letter. My friends Marquis and Jan were looking at me, they knew what was happening. 

I opened the letter and my dreams came shattering down. I was not allowed to march. It was the final decision and there's no other person I could talk to.. 

2 days later, I showed up in the graduation ceremony in a barong. I sat at the back along with Mr. Cabanos, the CMSO personnel and we had a chat. It was awkward being there as there were people who knew me and knew that I should be graduating... I felt like I just got kicked out of my school. As if I was chewed out by the one whom I swore to come back to one day and proudly say, "I graduated here.."

I hate it now.. 

and when I do get successful, I am not gonna say that I was a Xaverian because, after all, I passed Xavier, but I did not graduate from it..

I've created a new blog...
follow? :))

zagafryon-in-love.blogspot.com

Moving On..

I'm not yet totally over my crush, but I have a new crush.

This crush developed just a few weeks ago. At first I didn't really think it was something, but then I keep noticing how I notice EVERYTHING about him.. I knew I like him a bit. I didn't think I wanted to like him as more than a friend.

----
I was checking out his pictures just a few moments ago and I can't help but feel panghihinayang that he cut his hair. His long hair looked way better on him. Although his hair now isn't all that bad either. :)

I've long debated with myself whether or not to tell him about my crush on him. I'm pretty sure it's obvious now save for me telling him directly, he has all the clues in the world.

But I chose not to. There were a couple of reasons.

but here's the thing.

If you, my dear reader, are a friend of his and has seen this blog. You may show it to him. No holds barred. his name is in this blog, just a few posts down. I won't mind nor will I take it against you... besides.  I wouldn't know either

Car Trip Blues

"What started out as friendship has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let you know"


"You pulled me in and I'm a little more weak. It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something.. it's fearless"


"So I won't hesitate no more.. no more."


"When you call my name. It's like a little prayer. I'm down on my knees. I wanna take you there"


"Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you but you never come.."


"Hanggang sa muling pagtatagpo. Hanggang sa huling pag-ikot ng mundo. Ang tanging hanap ko ay ang pag-ibig mo"


"What do you say to taking chances. What do you say to jumping off the edge. Never knowing if there's solid ground below or hand to hold or hell to pay, what do you say?"


"Cause everything you do and words you say. You know that it all taked my breath away and now I'm left with nothing"


"Untouchable like a distant diamond sky."

Please don't do that to me.. 

I was scared..

I thought for a moment something might have happened..

I wouldn't want to see you the way people do in movies..

I love you, so don't scare me like that

it was as if you were saying goodbye

I consider you as one of my closest friends

and I'm not ready to lose you

Bea: Tell me why you think you love him
Me: I know one of my main reasons... but it's a little too explicit for you
Bea: Then tell me in a way that it's not too much to handle
Me: Fine, actually it's not too explicit anyways.. I can't imagine us having sex.. With everyone else, it's easy.. but with him, I can't do it... and I don't know why

A Quick Update on my ILOCOS tour

The Ilocos trip did not go as I expected it to. Secrets were revealed.. Things were done... and Hopes that had been crushed were renewed...

Revelations:
We had a truth or dare after our drinking session. one of the questions asked to me was "Fuck, Marry, Kill." The Kill was a unanimous.. My F and M though were two of my biggest crushes... who were inside the room (one of  the conditions for FMK was that the person had to be in the room) so I said that I would Fuck Renz Casanova and Marry Carlo Rivera

Actions that can't be undone
Obviously, at one point, we stopped doing truths as it was very easy. So we started doing dares... some of my dares included these: Lick someone's lips, give a lap dance, rub your genitals on a piece furniture.. stuff like those.. needless to say.. it was fun, but I could have gone without it...

HOPE!
This one is gonna be a bit long so I shall make a second post and I will post it in the next few days... :D

I HATE YOU WITH A BURNING PASSION

AND I REGRET LOWERING MYSELF FAR BELOW YOU JUST TO SAY SORRY FOR THE SAKE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP. YOU ARE WORTHLESS TO ME NOW MORE THAN EVER.

YOU ARE NOT THE KING OF ANYTHING, YOU DO NOT OWN THE WORLD AND YOU DO NOT OWN ME.

IF IT'S A WAR YOU WANT, THEN IT'S A WAR YOU'LL LOSE.

I'm having a bit of trouble with people right now..

It's not their fault. It's mostly mine

Wrong choices and such..

and maybe overstepping my boundaries a bit

I still believe in what I said

a bit guilty..

but I know I was right

with the other people though

I know I was wrong...