GDI!

I'm somewhat in distress ever since Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon, around 5pm. We were told that the announcement of the next officers of DANUM will be held on Saturday, Feb. 25. Since there were no classes, it did not push through.

All week long, I was thinking.. "I won't get it.. I won't get it.." and I had a few reasons why I didn't think I'd get it

• 90% of the people did not vote for me when they were asked who they wanted to be president
• I failed in showing that I was good enough to be president
• Others were probably better than me during interviews and such
• My project proposal for the GA was a stupid idea (the theme pissed me off.. so I didn't really give too much effort)

Well that's all I can think of right now..

anyways..

So, these past few days, I've been thinking about "what-if's"

and how my speech would go (if given a chance)

WHAT IF I WAS MADE PRESIDENT

I would have had a speech prepared

"Salamat, mga opisyal ng DANUM sa pagkakataong ibinigay ninyo sa akin. Alam kong marami sa inyong ang tumututol na ako'y maging Pangulo ng organisasyong ito, ngunit ito'y narito na. Kalimutan na lamang natin ang ating nakaraan at tayo'y sumulong sa pagpapaunlad ng ating organisasyon, ating kurso, ating departamento at ating unibersidad"

or

"Salamat, mga opisyal ng DANUM sa pagkakataong ibinigay ninyo sa akin. Ngunit, ako'y nababahala na hindi ko matupad ang tungkulin ko bilang Pangulo ng organisasyon kung kaya't hindi ko ito tatanggapin. Ayon sa aking kaibigan sa ibang organisasyon, ang kanilang prof org ang dahilan kung bakit marami sa kanila ang nag-aaway-away. Ayokong madagdagan ang kung ano mang alitan ko sa aking mga kamag-aral. Kung kaya't maraming salamat, ngunit ako'y tumatanggi sa posisyong ito."

WHAT IF I WAS NOT MADE PRESIDENT

I'd most probably just quit.. no speeches and such. tell them that I don't want it..

I should explain the situation a bit more.. but I'm too tamad right now.. LOLOLOLOL

YOU DON'T FUCKIN' UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL

Everytime I'm in that fucking classroom
everytime na kasama ko kayo
parang feeling ko lahat kayo may galit sakin

WHY?

I don't understand.
After all I've done
I've always had your back when you were in trouble
I had your back when you needed
and I never ask for anything in return..
Pero sana man lang tinatrato niyo ako na parang kaibigan, hindi kaaway..

mano ba naman yung sabihin sakin na dalawa ang irereport natin
simpleng text lang.. "Sean, irereport rin natin yung isang readings"
BAKIT HINDI NIYO YUN MAGAWA?
BAKIT KAILANGAN DURING THE DAY OF THE SUPPOSED REPORTING NIYO SASABIHIN

YOU WERE IN THE TAMBAYAN FOR ONE FUCKIN' HOUR
YOU EVEN OPENED THE PPT IN FRONT OF MY FACE
AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL ME NA REPORTING NATIN YUN?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??

I always thought that I would be welcome with you guys.. that no matter what happens, you'd be my friends
I guess I was wrong..
you'll all leave me hanging

WELL FUCK YOU ALL

I'll only ever be second best

水

I'm learning a lot online...

but what I really need is a teacher

someone who can confirm if what I'm doing is right..

although I know that with these things, it's mostly intuition..

水

I've only recently learned that I'm a water type. It makes a lot of sense, but I still think that I'm partially wind. I don't know. It just feels that way.

I've also recently learned that water types may or may not be empaths.

What is an empath? Well to put it simply, it's a person who has the ability to sense emotion from any object, living or otherwise. It works through a sort of wavelength the soul projects which can then be felt by an empath.

I have a feeling that I am an empath. Not a practiced one, but when someone has strong feelings about something, I think I can sense them.

Just a few days ago, I was with a group of friends and I was really bothered by something. I was fine before I met up with them, but something gave off this negative vibe that just made me uncomfortable. I wanted to excuse myself, but I decided to stay anyways. Then the next day, it happened again. This time I'm less sure of what the cause was, but it could either have been because of someone's emotion or the ring I tried on that day.

BBC Sherlock Season 2

PUTANGINA LANG..

I can't handle these emotions..

holy crap on a stick...

I don't know anymore...

RAARRGGHHH

Glad to know you don't miss me.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you then it's meant to be

Personally, I don't believe in this quote..

If you love something enough, why would you let it go? If it were me I'd fight for it no matter what. It is only when the other person has given up that I lose hope.

I have almost always stuck up to my friends no matter what. Even when they've considered me their enemy, I still worry and care for them. It's partially because I have not lost hope that maybe someday, things that have happened will blow over.

Which is why I'm happy that some of my enemies have become my friends again. Sure, we might not be as close as we used to be, but at least I can sleep soundly that I have made one less enemy just because I didn't give up.

"Forgive and forget" ika nga..

The thing about that quote though is that I agree with it.. and yet I disagree with it..

Forgiveness is essential to friendship turned enemies.. but forgetting is a tough cookie. Forget what the person did to you, forget the pain it felt when he/she did the act, but do not forget what has been done nor should you forget the pain you felt.

Confusing?

Think of it this way, the only way you can forgive someone fully is when you forget that the person did something to hurt you.

As I was once told by my teacher "The sin is in the act, not the person itself"

Maturity

Maturity is something that cannot be measured. So knowing that a person is mature can be very subjective and therein lies the problem.

I used to think that I was really mature just because I could curse. I thought I was mature because I knew what dildos, handjobs, rimming and terms similar to that meant. In some way, that is a step towards maturity, but that isn't all it is.

Maturity, for me, is knowing how to handle things without needing the help of others. Maturity is being able to see things clearly for what it is and not just what it shows to be. Maturity is when we grow up and realize that we're not kids anymore and we have to stop acting like one.

I'm not saying we should let go of things. Maturity is not letting go of being young. It is not letting go of being the kid you really are. What it is is a drive that pushes you to be better than who you are right now. Why do we laugh at our younger selves? It's because we thought so highly of ourselves then, but looking back, we were nothing.

I cannot say that I am mature enough for my age. There are things I do not understand about life. There are lots of things I still need to learn.

What I'm trying to say is that, sometimes, no matter how mature we think we are, we could be wrong.

I need an epiphany

I am afraid

I don't know what I should choose

If I talk to anyone, they'd be biased about it

Choosing the first one seems selfish

but the second one isn't what I want

People deserve this more than I do

I only believe I can do it

but I don't even know if I can

A quick tour of my room

This is the room in my condo...

First off, here is my closet. On top are my bedsheets and such. On the left are polos, jackets and a suit folded underneath are towels on the right, from top to bottom are my shirts, pants and random stuff I don't know where to place. There are two more layers below.. those

this is my bookshelf area. These are only 1/4 of the books and comics I have. 

Top shelf are HP books, Philippine Constitution, W.I.T.C.H and K-zone, Pupung and Pugad Baboy

2nd row: Noli and El Fili, Ghostgirl series, a picture of me from hongkong, Hoofy (the xavier school mascot) a tiger notebook. alcogel and aftershave

bottome row: Twilight series (lolololol) Photo albums, dictionaries printer, water bottle and a hat i bought in china

Sorry for the mess but yeah this is my room... I just took out my sheets... and I was in a hurry to look for clothes for when I leave.

and lastly, the closed closet and the big ass mirror that was behind me

So okay.. I was testing out the zoom of my camera and here it is.. this is the farthest it can zoom

From where did I take a picture?

That's the clubhouse just right in front of our balcony.. i'm in my room

I was actually trying to take a picture of the guy behind him, but he suddenly moved.. 

 you can't see it in this pic but there's also a swimming pool just beside it.

and the last time I swam there, there were these pedophile-able kids =)))

so yeah...

No Uniforms for this week...

So apparently, over the week, my mom cleaned my room and kept all my uniforms in the upstairs bodega...  If I go and get it now, that would mean I need to clean my whole room all over again since that was my agreement with my mom...


So instead, I'm going for something a  little more subtle... :)


and a bit uncomfortable...

but we'll see if people notice...

at least the people who know me...

So this week...

I probably made myself stand out a bit more than usual...

Tuesday: All Blue - Blue shirt, blue shorts, blue filecase, blue envelope like object
Wednesday: Green Shirt and Green Shorts  + mountain dew.. which is also green
Friday - Suitcase in school. Strolled it from Agno to Tambayan then to LRT

I must say it feels good to feel like people are looking at you thinking "That guy is weird" and not giving a single fuck..

so for this week, I'm going back to grade school and high school! yay!

Monday: high school PE uniform
Tuesday: grade school uniform (I hope I get to buy khakis by then)
Wednesday: break from all that since not a lot of people are there on wednesdays
Thursday:: high school uniform
Friday: High school polo with PE shorts

The Last Scene in the most recent Doctor Who

This was one of the most powerful scenes in Doctor Who.... so much emotions... tears... :(((

as the Doctor enters, he notices something in his eye, something unfamiliar to him. Something he has not felt in more or less a hundred years.. the Doctor, for once, cried.. sure he had cried a dozen of times.. when Rose died, when he regenerated, when he lost everyone of his companions.. but this was different. he cried because he was, after all these years, HAPPY

Doctor Who Christmas Special: A short not-so-much-of-a review

So I was trying out how I can play AVI files on my PS3.. and the show that I played was Doctor Who 2011 Christmas Special.. Since I was only trying it out, I didn't want to watch the whole episode so I skipped to the last 10-15 minutes...

and it made me fuckin' cry...

to those who have not yet seen this episode, please do not read further as there will be MAJOR SPOILERS in this blog...

It's difficult to be always paranoid about stuff..
Like I said in one of my previous posts
Everyone tends to hate me after a while...
and even if I know I didn't do anything wrong
in fact, I didn't do anything at all..
I always think I'm to blame about stuff..
It'll take a while before it sinks in that I shouldn't be paranoid
but even then.. I still can't help but be paranoid.. even just a bit..

January 22, 2012

I had another dream...

All I can remember about it is me having a not so surprise birthday party

Having a new house with WG people living in it

Kim pestering me to eat turon

My crush buying turon for me

I was a superhero along with 3 other people
we had this gun that was used to transform
problem was..
the villain was really really strong
so we upgraded the guns, but it didn't work
it's like the pokemon thing where even if your pokemon is lvl. 100,
as long as you don't have the right badges, you can't use them properly..
So that happened..
and everyone tried shooting him but to no avail
so I restarted my gun and started shooting him until he died..

Fortune Cookie tells good fortune

Project yourself with confidence and people will naturally flock to you
Nobody likes a loser

Because Potato

I feel like I need to let out some frustrations.. so I will blog...

I don't know how t start this off since I'm really really bad at writing..

I haven't even thought of what to say and I'm starting to cry..

it's just that.. I am jealous

I am jealous of almost every person I meet

For years, it felt like no one loved me.. That I was all alone in this world..
it was the case ever since I was in 3rd grade..

My dad had left for the US,
my mom started studying
and my classmates started bullying me that I was gay
I was a kid who cried at the slightest things,
sure it made me cry that I was bullied,
but at the end of the day,
it felt like nothing happened...
like it was just a dream
and that i can go back to being happy again...

but as time passed me by
I realized how lonely and alone I always am.
I never had a yaya after my dad left..
so every night, I'd be alone in my room..
I'd fall asleep before my mom gets home..
go to school the next morning
play with friends
and in the afternoon, while waiting for the schoolbus, I'd be alone..
I had to wait 2 hours everyday just because we grade schoolers were dismissed earlier than the high schoolers..
I was never one for making friends with people unless thay made friends with me..
I was too shy..
so I was alone..
but again, I didn't mind any of it..
that's how life is..
you have to make sacrifices...
frankly, I can call myself the boy who waited (Doctor Who reference)

but then, high school came and the black sheep was tossed out of the sheep pen..
Barrages of insults, jokes and teases from schoolmates and teachers..
yes, you read correctly, teachers..
it was hard to bear

I had BO when i was in high school..
i'm not sure if I do now..
but people don't seem to tell me that anymore..
add to that the fact that I had to repeat a year
on top of all those, I was gay..
and I was and still am fat...

I had the worst combination of anything bad you can possibly think of..
I never made friends more than what I already had cause I was afraid that they would hate me
eventually, people will start hating me

in 3rd year, I was front and center in the classroom...
and the ones behind me and beside me were the ones who bullied me..
this was the seating arrangement my teacher picked out for us..
On the first day, I didn't want to sit there
so I hid in the bathroom
and cried
for three straight periods

the worst part about the class was that I had a teacher who would spray air freshener everytime he walked in and everyone would cheer.
he would then spend the first 10-20 minutes of class discussing how bad the smell was and how the class can try to get rid of it

during our Days with the Lord..
the retreat that was supposed to "change our live forever"
did nothing to me..
I did not feel any closer to god..
nor did my other classmates..

When high school ended..I was not able to march.. I was not allowed to march during graduation
something that upto now, I do not understand why
There were 20+ of us who had to take summer classes and out of those 20+ people
only 2 weren't able to march.

I made a letter...
a formal request to my teacher saying I wanted to march i don't care if I have to take summer classes.. I just wanted to march..
he rejected it right in front of my face
I went to the principal..
i told her I can prove that t'm worth of graduating and that I should march
she rejected it
Last resort was with the school director
I came in for the interview.. I brought my uniform just in case I will be allowed to march.. if I would, then I can immediately join the grad practive
He loved me.. my talk went great..
I had a glimmer of hope
but the next day,
it was denied..

I don't get it.. clearly everyone else except the two of us proved they were worthy of being able to march
why couldn't we do the same thing?
You can't say that "I was give too many chances"
because I'm not the only retainee who took summer classes
that guy was a fuckin' idiot..
a lunatic who threw a bottle out the window for his speech and almost hitting a car.. because he was portraying a drunk Romeo
he's the guy jumped out the ledge because he portrayed a suicidal Romeo...
Yes, he did his speech twice cause he didn't like how his first speech went...

GODDAMMIT...

lost my mood to write because my mom pissed me off just now..