I'm back bitches!

No, that's a terrible thing to say..

terrible indeed...

What I meant was.

I'm back to reblogging!

Ever noticed how whenever I speak, I speak nonsense most of the time, but in the end you actually get the point and you finally understand why I had to say all those nonsense just for me to get to the point?

I believe that this was caused by Doctor Who.. oh the Doctor.. he's just so... IDK... he's never straight to the point.. and yet he always is...

Oh look at me, rambling so much...

Well, all I wanted to say was I won't be able to log in the next few days, but rest assured, I'm reviving this blog.

Hello, old friend...

... we meet again.

I've been neglecting you so much nowadays, the pain of writing to you gets deeper with every post I could never publish. Every draft that was saved in you is a scar that burns deep in my soul. How I wish I could write something cheerier; something people would want to read...

... and yet, I am burdened with the sad truth that I have nothing happy to write about just yet. I have been cooked up in the same safe situations that I have always been in. I'm too afraid to take risks; that's how I always am.. and as of now, that's how I'll always be...

You There?

I miss you.. sometimes

I still wish that you're with me right now...

I still wish we were together

Happy (supposed) Anniversary

Happy Mother's Day

But you didn't have to cut me off 

Make out like it never happened 

And that we were nothing 

And I don't even need your love 

But you treat me like a stranger 

And that feels so rough 

You didn't have to stoop so low 

Have your friends collect your records 

And then change your number 

I guess that I don't need that though 

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

From 1991-present

1991 - I was born

1995 - At the age of 3, I attended pre-school at Mother Goose

1996 - At the age of 4, I started school at Xavier School

1997 - During my Prep year, the bullying had started about me being fat.

1998 - I started Grade 1 had different classmates and met one of my closest friends, Marc

1999 - Grade 2, I had the same classmates save for a bully who was added to the list. This was the same bully from prep

2000 - My dad had left for the US

2000 - I had started to be bullied that I was gay. Especially when I was chosen to portray the role of a girl in our play

2000 - My cousin started bullying me because I like to play with Barbie dolls.

2001 - The bullying had died down a bit. I got to meet one of my former closest friend, Tennyson

2002 - The bullying had started again. This time it was getting much worse, people from other class whom I didn't know had joined in

2003 - I shrug off every word that everyone says about me thinking that isn't true

2004 - I had come to the realization that I am what I am, and that people don't have a right to judge me for that. How I wish I still had this fighting spirit

2005 - I entered Xavier High School. There were still bullies, but my saving grace was the subject Filipino. It was the love of my high school life. 

2006 - I took summer classes for the first time in my whole life. The invulnerability that I thought I had did not work well for me. 

2006 - I joined Para Kay Kiko. A summer program that teaches public school students basic high school knowledge. This was where I shone the brightest. This was, for me, the best place I could be. I was a teacher, a mentor, a kuya..

2006 - I was classmates with one of my worst bullies who carries 3/4 of my name; Sean Patrick Tan So.

2006 - I had a fight with Tennyson, I did not know what it was about but after 2 years, I finally find realize  why

2006 - I stormed out of our classroom when I had seen the letters B and O in a thick font on the chalkboard. I threw my 5 inch thick biology book at the person who had written it and stormed out.

2007 - I received the bad news that I was going to be retained.

2007 - I went inside my classroom which was full of people unknown to me save for one. I acted tough thinking that I should try to intimidate these people. It didn't work..

2008 - The bullying about me being gay had started all over again. This time it was MUCH WORSE. On top of that, my classmates would often tease me that I smell bad

2008 - My Social Science teacher bullied me. He would often bring an air freshener with him and spray it in my direction. He even got a plastic of charcoal and orange peel which he placed under my chair

2008 - My multiply account was flooded with comment on how gay I was and how I should just drop out of school and kill myself

2008 - I told my teacher what had happened and her solution was to place me in the middle of the room and surround me with the same people who treated me like dirt

2008 - I hid in the bathroom for three consecutive periods, crying... 

2009 - I suffered for months with the same group of bullies in my class

2009 - We had a retreat wherein my bullies apologized to me

2009 - I honestly thought that there was hope for me against these bullies...

2010 - There wasn't..

and now, I'm in college. I'm in a place where social distinctions do not exist.. or rather, are not expressed outwardly. 

My disposition when meeting someone is new is somewhat judging. I am very, as they say, masungit when you see me for the first time. That is because I have learned to not make friends. If you want to make friends with me, that'll be fine but you can never expect me to be the first to make the move. 

But even then, I judge the people who I would think are bullies. I am very cautious of people like this because I have a feeling that once I get to know them better... I get to know them bettter as people who would bully me. 

That is what I learned from high school... to learn that no one has pure intentions towards you.. that at some point, people will disappoint you. What matters is that when they disappoint you, you have no attachment towards them anymore... that you will feel nothing about it..

Mr. Brightside

Now I'm falling asleep

and she's calling a cab

while he's having a smoke

and she's taking a drag

and now they're going to bed

and my stomach is sick

and it's all in my head

but she's touching his chest now

he takes off her dress now

let me go

cause I just can't look 

it's killing me 

and taking control

jealousy

turning saints into the sea

turning to sick lullabies

chokin' on your alibis

but it's just the price I pay

destiny is calling me

open up my eager eyes

I'm not totally over him, not a single bit..

It's Not For Me

I've recently learned to shut myself from the world that is full of romantic love.

Until now, I've been deluding myself with promises that "it gets better"

Let me tell you the truth. For me, it doesn't...

This is all the world can offer to me. I can fall in love.. but no way in hell is anyone falling in love with me.

and so, I stop.

05/05/12

When I was a kid, I never thought the day would come that I would hate my mom and even on a day so close to mother's day and her birthday.

I'm not asking for much. I just want her to come home, hang out with me, take me somewhere where it's just the two of us.

But she keeps pushing me away. She would rather spend time with "other people" than me. I get to be at home only 2 days a week... and during those two days, she's only at home for less than 24 hours... and those 24 hours.. she's only awake for around 4 hours.. and during those 4 hours, she only has time to scold me, and hide me from the rest of the world...

That's the first thing she says when she gets home "parating na siya.." which actually means that I should go to my room and lock myself up for the rest of the night. Usually around this time..

As much as I love being able to spend a bit more than we usually did, I would rather have my old mom back. The one who would always be there when I needed her. The one who I can talk to about everything. The one who I could depend on everyime there's a problem with school.

So much for mother's day...